Friday, January 29, 2016

A Little Catching Up

Xadrian lost one of his front teeth on Monday it was so loose it was turning black so the dentist popped it right out. Then two days later he let me pull the bottom tooth that was loose. My little boy is growing up and it scares me. He is only 6 and he stole from me the first time. Went into my purse opened my wallet and took $30 and tried to give it to his dads girlfriend. I have never been more disappointed and mad in my life at him. I do not know where he is picking stuff up like this because we do not do that kind of thing.

Ziah is saying more words by the day. She is brilliant and looks just like me it is scary because every time I look at her I hear my moms words of how she will be just like me. And that is scary because she is already just like me. Little Miss Independent thinks she runs the house.

I have tried to stay busy since I wrote last. Tried to keep my mind busy, to keep everyone from seeing me hurt because it is a weakness to most people. So I filled my time with watching tv series and my kids and talking to other people. A mask if you will.

I wake up though in the mornings before the kids wake up and I lay there thinking what could I have done different? Life is all about choices and the last two years of my life seems to be filled with choices that have brought nothing but pain to my life. If I had made the other choice would my life been the same? Who knows I sure don't.

I barely passed this session and frankly I still don't know if I am going to pass one of my classes and frankly I am in the home stretch but I really want to just quit. My heart isn't in it anymore....but I look at my kids and I remember I have no choice because I am the only parent they have that is going to finish college any time soon.

I received a call today funny because every time I hear the house phone ring part of me wonders if it is going to be them or not. Maybe it is a good thing the BD #2 has put me through a lot emotionally because I was at least able to not react to the phone call I got till I got off the phone. There is so many emotions and feelings that I want to pour on to this page and yet I have to respect the fact I was told not to. *sighs* I hate that too because this tends to be the only place that I can speak freely.

My son l