Monday, October 5, 2015

Changed Me

So I finally got back to working from home for some season call center work. This time is different because they are super strict on background noise that means starting the 13th I will be here alone. Now here is the thing. I have repeated this many times but I am not meat to be alone. Not one bit. I have always had someone and I have got a crash course in "doing it myself" over the last 6 months and frankly it is not for me. So while I am thankful for the job it leaves me a little....well lonely.

This month is filled with lots of stuff. My brother came in this weekend, Xay has flag football games and practices the next three weeks, I got tryout for Derby City Dynamites, Xay has his 6th birthday so of course we have a party coming up and I am doing it all by myself. Millions of women out there do it alone and handle it like a champ and I say props to them. To each his own. But as a Christian I do not believe that being alone is how God intended us to be.....and especially in this house.

So I thought I would be moving sooner then this. But I sitting here in this living room I am realizing that I am going to have to eventually make this mine instead of my parents old house. Everything in here is a reminder of what I have lost just like this town. It sucks because most days it is easy to pretend to shove everything back and make it seem like I am "back to normal" and that I am okay but when I am alone and just stop and the mask drops and the wall drops and its like I am completely lost and I am putting one foot in front of the other and pretty much "faking it till you make it."

I have been called selfish a lot...pretty much if it doesn't directly affect my kids and I then I am not worried about it. Call this my survival instinct. But at the same time I have open myself up to a different type of people. The Church that I have found finally has people I trust...because God has a way of putting you into families and it is great and awesome. But still I am reserved again because I am walking a tight rope with my kids and if I fall they fall so I have to be worried about my kids.

One thing thought I can reflectively look at and say though is that losing my parents, losing the majority of my "friends", my brother and boyfriend moving long distances.....all this made sure I grew up and definitely changed me.