Saturday, August 8, 2015

One Year

Its been a year. The longest year of my life. I don't know how many times a day I wished I could call my mom or go to my dad and just talk to them. Every day for a year has been a struggle to push through. I have felt more alone then I ever have in my life. People expect me to be okay again.....to have moved on. Hell one of my managers at work says its just death. But I don't think my heart will ever stop grieving for my parents. Its like this huge void. They raised me because they wanted me not because they had to. I have blood parents still....but they will never be my momma and daddy. Heck I haven't spoken to my birth mom in months and have no  intentions on changing that. I try to let my biological dad in but it's so hard. When all I want is my daddy. The man who let me drive through dairy queens drive thru on his lap, the man who taught me how to wisely use my money, the man who taught me to ride my first bike, the man who stood up for my opinions. Its not easy and I am not over it. I look at my kids and I think daily how much my parents have missed and how much my mom would have loved how much like me Ziah is. How mom and I would be doing pageants like crazy with Ziah. And daily my heart breaks because my kids and I are doing this alone. I got family who I barely see or speak too but I got no support system anymore. I got to take care of everything alone and that scares me because I always have had someone. I fear failure. I fear not being enough. I wish there was a phone in Heaven so I could just hear their voices and get their advice. I have become more dependent on my faith in God the last few months. I know my dad would be so proud. God is about the only thing I trust. But sometimes it's a struggle too because having faith in something that is not physically here is hard especially when it comes to the bills. I am 26 years old, my parents are gone, I am a single mom of  two small kids, I do college work, and work full time. I don't make enough to pay the bills AND get the basic day to day needs, we are always late or just barely making do but we keep food on the table something that has been hard to do, we are alive even though most day feel like autopilot, we are warm/cool, but most importantly we have enough love to fill this  house. God has taken care of us this far and he gave me the Vineyard Family to feed the spiritual hunger. I am not okay but I am healing. But never think for one second that time heals because that is the biggest lie told by a nonempathic person. Next to my kids my parents were my life and half of my world is still like a radioactive zone. Right now I am sitting in California trying to take my mind of today. But it still replays over and over again. Maybe so day I will understand....until then I will try to dwell on the good rather then the bad. A year ago my life changed.....and nothing will ever be the same. It feels like an eternity all I know is that as long as God is real and answers my prayers like he does then there has to really be Heaven and if that is the case then hopefully my life will be worthy enough in the end that I will be back with my parents someday. But my prayer is that my kids never have to feel this pain I feel until they are old enough that they can let go in peace. I think that is the hardest part. I was mentally ready to lose my parents one at a time......but I was not prepared to lose them both at the same time when I needed them most. So momma if your looking down I hope you understand things now and daddy I hope I am making you proud. I miss you all and love you all. And someday we will have a very very long talk when I get to Heaven.