Thursday, May 14, 2015

On Depression and California

It has been 9 months since my parents died, 8 months since I had lung surgery, 6 months since I brother moved away and a week since my love moved to California.

I am stuck in a town that I never wanted to be in. A place that I hated before now is like my personal jail constantly reminding me of everything I lost here. And I am stuck because of my daughter....because her father thinks that his happiness should be more important then mine simply put. In his eyes I am that crazy baby mother who wants to take his daughter 2100 miles away. But my sons father sees it as a good opportunity for his son. Just to clear up the reasons I want to move is:

  1. I got family in California willing to give me a job in their business however I cannot even get a interview in Kentucky.
  2. Better schools for the kids California is ranked 2 in the US for education....KY is ranked 22.
  3. Mueseums, Legoland, Disneyland, Safari Parks, the Ocean....
  4. Sports, gymnastics, dance, and other activities for the kids to be involved in.  
  5. Internships for Information Technology.

People think that I just want to move because I want to get married and I do....but I was anti-California starting out. But my Love told me to give it a chance, do the research, come visit and then form an opinion. And that is what I did. I went out there for a week.....and the first couple of days I was rather sulky over being there....but then I gave it a chance and I met my family and things looked brighter. Until I got back here to this dark hole of a place. It honestly sucks that happiness out of me.

When I am here I have no motivation.....I am stuck in survival mode. I get up and take care of the kids....I do what I have to survive and to keep my kids taken care of. But that doesn't mean we are happy. That means we are breathing. We are surviving to see another day.

It runs through me when people say "Just get over it," or "If you would try harder..." or "You should be more positive." Let me clearly state my feelings on these statements.

On the just get over it statement....how dare you? If you are one of those people who think you can just get over something and just be okay then you just won the award for being the biggest ass and ignorant fuck around. I am sorry if my sadness offends you or you are tired of dealing with me. If that is the case then you have no place talking to me. It can take months or years to be okay again. So I can't get over it....maybe it I had of dealt with one thing at a time but I didn't everything happened in a compacted 9 months and I am dealing with it the only way I know how.

If you would try harder.......well maybe YOU should try harder to understand to feel like a stranger in your own body, to not have the motivation to do anything, to not want to get close to anyone because everyone seems to just disappear. Maybe if you tried harder to hear me when I am having a rare moment of openness. But the fact is I am trying...I am trying to get a job (160 applications and counting), I am trying to be happy, I am trying to be okay, I am trying to be a great mom, I am trying to learn to trust people. I am trying but I have NEVER been alone in 26 years....even when my parents died I had my brother and when my brother left I had my Love and now.....I have my kids....and I long for conversation with adults....to just have someone I fully trusted that was around. But thats not the case so I am trying to the best with what I have until my trying finally pays off.

You should be more positive....for someone who clinically diagnosed with depression....being told to think more positive doesn't work like that. If you want to google my words next fine....but studies show that a depressed person's brain does not have the ability to dwell on positive thoughts and feelings. By saying this even though you may not realize it you are frustrating me and hurting me. Because I want to be positive, I want to be happy and I want to feel alive.....but its like as soon as I get here.....my brain shuts down.....and it took me 3 days before California sun managed to seep through those dark clouds.

Here is some more interesting facts the more sunlight you get it helps make for better moods and less depression. Kentucky's heat is very humid and that leads to me being indoors 95% of the time.....in California thinks to their climate being outside 95% of the time is better.

It's frustrating to be stuck somewhere.....saying that it is temporary doesn't mean that it is easier....the days get longer and summer is here......and I am an angry depressed person.