Saturday, April 4, 2015

Birthday Reflection

Today I am 26 years old.

Today is the first time since I was born that I have not had my parents on my birthday.....I guess this year will be filled with a lot of firsts in that category. I want to say today was going to be a happy day and that I was a little better then before....but I can't. My heart aches as if the wound is still fresh. I don't think it will ever go away. The sudden loss of the two people that meant the most to me. No one can ever replace them and no one can ever fill the void.

I remember when I was little riding in the station wagon next to my dad listening to some CCR or being in the car with mom going to a pageant listening to the Eagles. I remember how she looked, how she felt, but I can't hear their voices. That's been my problem since they died....I can't hear them.

It's been eight months almost since they died and my son still prays for them every night and it breaks my heart because I know in his little mind he misses them just as much as I do. And my daughter will only know the pictures.

The only thing in life that is 100% sure is death. And when I am old and dying I will finally be able to smile knowing I am going home and I can finally see my parents again.

Today is also the first time since my son was born that he has not been with me on my birthday. Sadly it is because that he lost his Aunt on the the 2nd. So he is three hours away from me and will also be missing Easter.

I stay quiet more often then not anymore....until I can't take anymore. I feel like I am stuck in survival mode....and the only thing really I adjust for is my kids. Most days I don't feel alive. Depression is a bitch....doing it alone and not getting help is not recommended even by me and I am dealing with it alone. The meds were making things way more hazy then should....coming off them was the worse experience ever. So now I just don't talk about it to others. I quietly deal with my personal hell myself. I have become quite proficient in not letting people see that part of me.They see me quiet but "I am always okay." My own personal motto I guess now. I tell myself I am okay, therefore I am okay.