Monday, January 5, 2015

Happy 2015.....NOT

Those moments where time stands stands still and you know your life is about to take an unexpected turn into the storm again. Yeah. I am right there staring at the big black cloud coming across the hill slowly but surely.

I finally got into see a therapist that was good I really liked her and though we didn't start the process I can tell that she will definitely be a big help to me with getting through this depression hole I have found myself in. And after the past few days I went threw I cannot wait to go see her again.

Things that should go right have been going wrong.....and things that I once thought was stable proved to be not quite so stable.

It's 5 days into 2015....I should be changing and I have a year of improvements to make but at the moment my heart literally hurts.

My brother is finally leaving.....I think that set me way back and put we deep into my feelings. Because while I have other family members down to my mom and dad before they died he is the only one that mattered. I mean I still got my biological dad......but we are not a close as my brother and I. And I what am suppose to say how I feel......I am happy he found some where that he can be at peace at. But i feel like i am being left alone....I guess in a way am needy or co-dependent on him like he said. But he thinks leaving will make me stand up and be a stronger woman. But that is what he doesn't get about me. I am not like him in that sense. I need someone there. I know folks you all are saying "of course you can!" But it isn't that I can't it is more that I don't want to. It does not make me happy to be alone and that is what I wish people understood. But I guess in today's society that is seen as a weakness.

Don't do anything stupid resounds through my head like galloping promises. Besides I won't kill myself I guess I can promise that because they need me. But if I didn't have them and I was dealing with yet another person that matters that much walking out. Yeah no.

So what is my great plan now since I thought it was going to be me and my bro....I thought he was going to be here through graduation. I have no plans or goals anymore....they always get fucked up in the end anyways. All I can think about is now keeping this roof over my kids head, praying to God I don't loose my job, and hoping like hell I can come up on some money to get the hell out of dodge. Since everyone wants to leave me maybe its time I left myself. I wonder if anyone would miss me or if they would just miss the kids?