Sunday, January 25, 2015

Firm Like The Oak Tree

It took me this long to realize sometimes you can't hold on to people even if they are your family. Sometimes it is best to hit the block button and just forget about it. And it sucks because you wish it wasn't like that but you even though you can see the good in everybody some people don't let that good they have shine through.

So 10 years after meeting my biological family on my mothers side. I finally decided enough was enough and blocked them from my phone. My one brother can call me but I don't consider him part of my mothers side he had the misfortune of having to deal with them but rather as part of my biological dads side...who at least is sane....and has kids that for the most part did good.

Life is crazy....losing my parents has damn near destroyed me to be honest. I was already depressed and then the darkness began consuming me. Till now I am trying to crawl out the bottom and I can just now see the light.

But then I got another big storm about to blow through.....and its like Dear God why??? What did I do to be put through all this? Mrs W (my therapist) asked me last week during our session "Who are you?" I couldn't answer.

10 years ago from Oct 2004-Oct 2005 I went through another storm.....it changed me. It made me more distant from people. I learned how to be what each person wanted or needed to me. To what expense? I put so many damn masks on that I forgot who I truly was.

I could sit here all day and ask why questions.....but 4 guys impacted my life profoundly then....so the why question that goes through my mind is why did he do that? Why did they take that piece of me that made me normal that made me okay and able to relate? Why did they take those pieces of me that made me feel like I was worth something to feel like I deserve better. Instead I end up pushing people who get close away.

I never want my kids to experience that kind of hurt. Each time I look into my daughters eyes so much lighter then mine and she smiles that wet slobery 2 teeth smile I smile back but part of me cries for the things I can't protect her from. From the life lessons she will be to hard to learn from me because she will be like me. I can only hope that when life throws her a storm she stands firm like the oak tree instead of me.