Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Nobody Knows It But Me

I have come to accept that life is a struggle. That things never go the way that you want them to. That bad thing happen and it does no good to complain. That sorry doesn't fix it. That mistakes have consequences. All the great stuff....I finally accept it. Things may be easy someday but it won't be any time soon and I understand it....I may not like it but I just have to deal.

I miss my parents advice....I miss telling my mom and listening to her preach me a sermon on what I should do. It hasn't gotten easier....it still hurts as bad as it did the first day. I have just got good a putting the new mask on. Gotten better at keeping people out. What's the point really in letting people get close? They won't understand.

The people I do let stay close seem to have a overflowing river of advice they are too overly excited about sharing. Not that I don't appreciate the fact that they care enough to tell me stuff but it makes me feel like I am not accepted. And truthfully I am not....everyone wants to fix me to make me better. Yeah they are right I am broken but just like Humpy Dumpy I cannot be put together again folks. Eventually the wounds will scar over but they will never go away.

Do better....my momma said it and my daddy said it...now I have new voices telling it to me. Do better....do better. But doing better in someone else's eyes isn't always doing better in my eyes. People have dreams of 5 star hotels and money. I DON'T want it.....I don't want a bunch of money, I don't want fancy hotels, or expensive cars. I don't want designer clothes or jewelry store rings and necklaces. That isn't me at all. I want the simple country house in the holler, I want the four-wheeler or side-by-side, I want my kids to wade in the creeks catching crawl dads and minners...I am not a city girl....I do not have city dreams. I dream of the simple life.....I dream of a big family and being able to turn them outside for hours and not have to worry if they seeing drugs or getting kidnapped. That's the kind of life that to me is successful.

I am still homesick as ever....I got to make a couple trips back home and I know there is more to come. I feel so much more at peace there around those people. I know I got a few people that care here.....but this will never be home....and no where else will ever feel right.

I know I will survive because that is what my parents raised me to do. I will survive for my kids. I know I should still be on my meds I feel it....but I guess I have come to terms with the big blanket of darkness that has become my reality. And nobody knows it but me.