Thursday, September 11, 2014

Keep Trudging On

It is crazy how things fall apart. It is crazy how something you really want to hold on to just slips through your fingers like it was only grains of sand. I was released from the hospital. I didn't come out the same woman I went in. My thought process is so different. I am depressed and I recognize that. I am dealing with it the only way I know how. But it is funny because I also walked out the hospital with a lot more faith in God. I believed before but I didn't have faith. I learned that faith is all I really got to go on right now.

When I say the struggle is real I mean it. I don't know if your life is worse then mine right now or not but I am barely holding myself  together. My parents dieing on the 8th of August, a family friend dieing the next week, then 4 more people that I knew was killed the week after that, the Estate of my parents is still tied up so legally I can't drive my car because I have no insurance and it is in my moms name, I have $10 to my name right now and I need start getting ready for Xay's birthday next month, I have to be moved out by the first of October and my landlord won't bring me my paper so I can get my housing transferred, I just got out the hospital with this lung surgery and I am not suppose to be lifting over 10lbs and my daughter weighs close to 20lbs, the guy I was talking to and I fell out because I became to much to handle...a complication in his mission to greatness so he currently isn't speaking to me and might not really talk to me. I am on my own with taking care of the kids Xay has school, baths you know the mom basics but right now my pain level from surgery is on a 15 and  all I really want to do is curl up in my bed which I have not got to sleep in since my parents died and just cry and sleep. But I can't. I have been having vivid nightmares when I do try to go to sleep so I haven't been able to sleep more then 30 minutes at a time.

But I need to pull myself together. I shouldn't show weakness. I shouldn't complain because people has it worse. I shouldn't be self-centered because other people are going through stuff besides me. I have heard a lot of excuses and I am sorries from a lot of people in the last month. It doesn't make things better. It doesn't make me connect with people. I feel like I am a island that is sinking kind of like Atlantis. The only thing that keeps me focused if the fact that I got two kids that depend on me.

I haven't really eaten either in 9 days. I lived off of eggs while I was in the hospital now I just don't have an appetite. I do but I don't have the energy to cook and then it's like after all the effort I am just tired and don't feel like eating. Which means I am rapidly losing weight. I went grocery shopping yesterday but everything I got was Xay oriented so that I can feed him. Because I will do without to make sure my kids are taken care of.

I guess I shouldn't put my dirty laundry on the internet. But at the moment this feels like the only completely safe outlet. No talking back. No making me feel like I am the worst person ever. No any of that. I know I do have a lot of people praying for me and my family and that helps a lot. I know that I got to give it all to God and that is what I am trying to do but it is hard.

But still I keep trudging on