It is crazy how things fall apart. It is crazy how something you really want to hold on to just slips through your fingers like it was only grains of sand. I was released from the hospital. I didn't come out the same woman I went in. My thought process is so different. I am depressed and I recognize that. I am dealing with it the only way I know how. But it is funny because I also walked out the hospital with a lot more faith in God. I believed before but I didn't have faith. I learned that faith is all I really got to go on right now.
When I say the struggle is real I mean it. I don't know if your life is worse then mine right now or not but I am barely holding myself together. My parents dieing on the 8th of August, a family friend dieing the next week, then 4 more people that I knew was killed the week after that, the Estate of my parents is still tied up so legally I can't drive my car because I have no insurance and it is in my moms name, I have $10 to my name right now and I need start getting ready for Xay's birthday next month, I have to be moved out by the first of October and my landlord won't bring me my paper so I can get my housing transferred, I just got out the hospital with this lung surgery and I am not suppose to be lifting over 10lbs and my daughter weighs close to 20lbs, the guy I was talking to and I fell out because I became to much to handle...a complication in his mission to greatness so he currently isn't speaking to me and might not really talk to me. I am on my own with taking care of the kids Xay has school, baths you know the mom basics but right now my pain level from surgery is on a 15 and all I really want to do is curl up in my bed which I have not got to sleep in since my parents died and just cry and sleep. But I can't. I have been having vivid nightmares when I do try to go to sleep so I haven't been able to sleep more then 30 minutes at a time.
But I need to pull myself together. I shouldn't show weakness. I shouldn't complain because people has it worse. I shouldn't be self-centered because other people are going through stuff besides me. I have heard a lot of excuses and I am sorries from a lot of people in the last month. It doesn't make things better. It doesn't make me connect with people. I feel like I am a island that is sinking kind of like Atlantis. The only thing that keeps me focused if the fact that I got two kids that depend on me.
I haven't really eaten either in 9 days. I lived off of eggs while I was in the hospital now I just don't have an appetite. I do but I don't have the energy to cook and then it's like after all the effort I am just tired and don't feel like eating. Which means I am rapidly losing weight. I went grocery shopping yesterday but everything I got was Xay oriented so that I can feed him. Because I will do without to make sure my kids are taken care of.
I guess I shouldn't put my dirty laundry on the internet. But at the moment this feels like the only completely safe outlet. No talking back. No making me feel like I am the worst person ever. No any of that. I know I do have a lot of people praying for me and my family and that helps a lot. I know that I got to give it all to God and that is what I am trying to do but it is hard.
But still I keep trudging on