Friday, September 5, 2014

Emotionally Destroyed, Physically Wounded, and Mentally Weak

When I say I have fallen into the black pit I mean it. This stay in the hospital has been the hardest of my life. I have been an emotional wreck. The people I expected to be here are the people that haven't been. The people I never expected to be in my corner is the ones that have checked on me daily. But still I find myself without my kids as my anchor losing my grip.

I was supposed to get the two chest tubes running to my right lung out today. I was suppose to go home today or tomorrow. I was waiting on it. Then my head lung surgeon came in and burst my bubble...causing me to have a meltdown. He told me a.) whichever nurse hooked my chest drain up did it wrong and b.) I still have a leak so I can't get the tube out till Sunday at the earliest. I lost it.

I already feel alone. I am already depressed and my anxiety level is through the roof. I called the guy I have been talking to we kind of been at outs I have been a little too needy for him to handle. I called him because I honestly just needed him to listen....just needed him to tell me it was going to be okay but instead he told me he was in class and would call me later. Kind of changed my perspective on him. Like I really needed him but instead the nurse sat with me and listened gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay....instead they are having a psychiatrist come see me because really I am not okay. I wish I had died instead of my parents....I feel only partially alive and without my kids with me I don't even feel that.

I haven't eaten but like a cup of eggs since Monday either.

But I should just get over it all.

I am sorry to say I can't just do that. I am emotionally destroyed, physically wounded, and mentally weak. I needed someone to step in and be my anchor before I lost myself....but it surprised me who has stepped in and who hasn't.

I pray that I never become so self centered that I cannot help a person when they are begging me to. I feel like God would be angry with me if I did.