Thursday, August 21, 2014

One Struggle To The Next

I wish I could say that each day has been easier then the last but I can't. It's been one struggle after another and each day I wake up thinking positive but it's been doomed. I wish I could pick up the phone and call my mom and ask her what I am supposed to do or to just curl up and lay my head on her shoulder and cry. It does get easier to deal with but it gets easier to hide what your going through from the rest of the world. I talk a little to my aunts and my brothers a lot....but it isn't the same they can't answer in the way my parents did. It hurts to loose them when I am 25years old. I thought I was going to have to at least 5 more years. Just makes you realize how guaranteed your life is.

With saying that knowing I got two kids it becomes important for me to make a will so that they are taken care of. I can't leave strings wide open because the stuff that I have had to go thru the last 2 weeks I would never want my babies to go through.

It also means that I got to set unbreakable goals. I need a life plan at this point....one for the next 5 years and then maybe 10 years.

Xay started pre-school on this past Monday. He absolutely loves it and I do too. Because he hasn't really been listening to anything without me raising my voice and it frustrates me because I don't want to have to yell at him I don't have the energy. It reinforces that I need to get my life together and get married so there is a steady family image for the kids and for me.

Xay came down with a cold last Sunday night wasn't much to worry about but from his cold I got pnuemonia because I still have the pockets of fluid on my right lung. I am suppose to have surgery to remove it but I had to postpone it till the week after Labor Day. I feel like there is so much to plan around now. I always had my parents to help me with the kids so I never had to worry about working or anything. Without them I find it hard to let myself lean on anyone else. Plenty of people have offered to help me but I find it so hard to trust people. I am my mothers daughter because I will help anyone when I can but that does not mean I trust you. I don't know you enough to trust you.

After two weeks of searching a will was finally found from Aug 1989. Crazy but the Judge was the one that wrote the will and had a copy of it. Strange huh? I felt like it was. I am sole heir to my parents....my mom completely cut out her biological son. I remember the will they wrote though when I was older. My dad made previsions for my brother and I feel it would be dishonorable to not follow through with his wishes even though I don't legally have to. To me family is everything....sometimes they make me mad, sometimes I disapprove of their choices....but they are my family thru thick and thin and I love them regardless and if they were in trouble and I was close enough I would be the first to help God wiling.

So today looks promising so far. Last night was the first night I like Ziah stay all night with her daddy she will be 4 months old on Sunday. Xay stayed with his dad as well. I need some rest I have been running on empty for so long my body can't recover from this sickness.