Tuesday, October 23, 2012

When that First Love Doesn't Last

Things lately have been....crazy. When I read my numerology scope at the beginning of the month I thought it was a joke really. I take that stuff usually with a grain of salt, however this month said "She may question her direction. This frustration will be in the background for most of the year, but this month particularly feels  a little bit out of control....This hectic and dynamic October brings with it some chaos, and restraint is needed in order to maintain some control over the events." Boy it wasn't lying because October, just like the past 3 years came in with a pocket full of trouble. I have been trying to fight with the depression that I can feel creeping along the edges of my mind wanting to expand. I hate this town and the flatness that envelops it. I miss the mountains coming alive in their fall colors and riding back roads up mountains and back in hollers. I miss my friends and money and even working KFC/Taco Bell. Life is so different here and while some things are better the majority of things are worse.

Chris got out and came down here. Things happened and he felt the need for a break from the relationship so on the 10th he moved out. It would lead to a break up. I don't hold grudges for the things that he has put me through over the last 9 months or even over the last 3 years. We both made our fair share of mistakes. And I still got this insane love for him but I also have this huge hurt that won't heal because when we are together we pour salt in each others wounds keeping them fresh. Chris walked away just like he did this time last year but this time I wasn't down to wait weeks before he came back. That's not how it works....especially when you are hanging with another woman that whole time. Yeah that was pretty much the final straw because C-ville was supposed to be our fresh start. That was a joke. It hurts a lot because 8 years is a lot to walk away from. He tried to do some stupid shit to himself and the only things I was asking him was for him to treat me like I was his gf because he stopped treating me like his gf but acted like I was just a friend. He didn't really want anything to do with me until he realized I was talking to another guy and then he started wanting to try to work things out. Which would have been great and I probably would have fell right into it had it not been for the first big fight we had since we moved down here and then yesterdays little episode that he took while in Rowan county. It showed me that his words would always be pretty but they were so empty. It hurts actually pretty bad because I know what I did in the past but I have a 9 month clear record that isn't worth shit to him. Life moves on however...he isn't giving up to easy tho and since I been hanging out with a black guy he has been going back and forth (go be with him...I want you back...go be with him...I will make your life hell if your not with me).

Being a single mom is more fun right now. Not being officially tied down to someone makes life different. For the first few days I stayed gone. I wanted to be numb because I was trying to find my way of dealing with the fact that Chris really wasn't there no more like I thought. After that I started pulling stuff together slowly. Which means going more places with Xay (who had a birthday this past Sat.)

My parents and me have had the line drawn in the sand. We are in a sort of war especially my mom and I. I am fighting hard against the ropes she has tied on to me. Where I have to tell her every where I go, she gets mad if I stay gone for any long period, she tells me how to take care of Xay when have him (down to how to feed him)....I am just frustrated because I get treated like I am 15 rather then 23. I am trying to get my stuff together for my section 8 and hopefully that will make a huge difference in things. Maybe.

 I know I am behind a bit in posting due to the craziness that my life has taken this month. Hopefully next month will bring about some peace to this storm or else I might go crazy especially with Christmas season right around the corner. Over the next few Wednesdays you will see Xadrian's 3 year old pics and there is a post coming about his birthday party!