Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Dropped The Balls

Childish. A bitch. Not good enough. Not enough. Just not okay. I'm sinking again. I feel the depression wrapping its cold hands like chains around my legs pulling me down into the darkness. It's different then last time though. My moods have been extreme and yet I can't seem to curve them. The sleep problem is back too. I figure I will probably loose David, because I don't have the words to make him understand.

What is wrong with me?

I am a failure I feel like because I shouldnt be back sliding. I wouldn't want to deal with me either. How do you explain the panic that grips my chest every time I  walk into my room full of people? It's like I start shutting down. How do you explain the tears? Luckily he has been gone so he ain't seen that.

Part of me wishes he could understand; that he would be there and hold me. The other part of me doesn't want him to see me that weak. I feel like I am self-destructing everything. I mean I am balancing school, work, the ready-to-learn program, motherhood, my relationship, and our friends. It's like a juggling act and I feel like I dropped the balls and am trying to the rythem again. The money problem has me stressed out too with holidays coming up.

All I know is today no matter what I got to put that smile on and hold it together till the lights go out. Maybe I can fool myself along with everyone else into thinking I am okay and not as big of a bitch as I have seemed the last two days.