Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Sex Talk?

I was on edge all day. According to everyone I was a bitch. I couldn't help it though because all I wanted was some peace and quiet and with 7 head in one room 8 counting me it was hard. It was frustrating; people got on my nerves and I ended up taking it out on people that didn't deserve it.

I had a talk about how many people I selpt with and how many I interact with pretty much on a everyday basis. It never seemed weird before because if I don't have strings attached it is easy to bounce back into the friend role. When they are ex's there is usually an awkward period and then we slip back into friend mode it has alway been that simple.

I also dealt with Chris last night. I wish he was what his pretty words said. But he ain't and I have head those promises before. Does that mean I just stopped loving him? No. But I let go weeks ago and had time to deal with it while he hasn't. I didn't expect it to be a clean break and he has been literallly begging me to let him come home. All I can say is that I am sorry. I hate hurting people. That is why I always wait for the guy to end it. He told me on a voicemail that he was probably going to do something stupid and I wouldn't put it past him but if he loved me so much he would have come home.

I just want my own family. I want my own home, to get married, and to have another baby. It seems so unreachable right now.

Carrie asked when I went in if I thought I was stable. I think I am stable but today I don't know. I have been feeling nervous and anxious. I took one of the vistril yesterday hoping it would calm me down but no luck. Not really sure about it.

I have a lot on my mind and it is so hard to sort through it all to put it on paper or to even dwell on any one single thought. I just want what is best for Xay. I don't want to mess up his life because of my choice.