Saturday, July 23, 2011

Who Needs Meds?

So this is like week 1 without my medicine. I went to Ohio for 5 days and forgot my meds at home and I didn't feel any different with them as I did without them. Which is better then last time. So does this mean I am no longer depressed? I am not sure. I haven't gone to my doctor to find out but I am hoping that its a good sign because I really hate taking pills daily.

Anyways about Ohio. Chris almost stayed up there not leaving me but he had a really good job op that he kind of wanted to take but I would be going home until he found a place. That just didn't work because there was no way that I really wanted to live up there. Nothing against Ohio because I got family in the Nati but I really hate the town we were going to be staying in. It was all about drugs up there too people are on that boy real bad and that is something that I don't have to worry about in our little KY mountain town. I mean you hear about pill busts because eastern KY is bad for that but in comparison to heroin that is a big difference.

I have spent a lot of time with Xay over the last couple of days since we got home. I missed him something crazy while I was away. It makes it easier knowing that he is with his daddy and mamaw and papaw and that he is well taken care of when I am away. But I still hate being gone for long periods of time. People look down on me a lot because I leave him but the alternative is taking him with me and Chris tattoos which means we never really know what kind of situation we are walking into when he goes to someone elses house. Now excuse me but I consider myself a better parent by leaving my son home instead of dragging him along to pull whatever kind of hours we are pulling to make money. Which by the way never lasts long enough because daily living expenses are just as hard as bills.

I think that instead of being depressed now I am just super stressed because I cannot find a job and my credit card bills keep stacking up and I am well on my way to being sued for bills. In seven months I racked up close to $9000 in bills and let me tell you something when you can't get a job that is a scary number. I have no idea how I am going to pay that but I know one thing I need to be on my hands and knees praying because I most certainly cannot pull that number by myself.

So who needs meds really? I say not I. I really don't feel the exhaustion and that moments of utter hopelessness. Do I think my battle is over? Not really. I still have aniexty problems but I still contribute that to stress. So where do I go from here? Back to my doctor I guess. I can only imagine what she is going to say to me when she finds out I stopped taking them.