Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dr C

So it's been almost a month I have been back on the meds and while I sort of feel better I know there is a lot of work to go. I went back to see Dr C today and she told me that she wanted me to journal nightly all the good and bad and my goals, while I do blog it's sometimes hard to make myself be willing to write it all out.

Today has been an okay day. Chris and I started off slightly grouchy because I was not wanting to get outta bed this morning to take him to work. My car brake line broke yesterday while I was driving and I had to use my moms car. One more expense. It feels like it is impossible to come up when the bills seem to just get higher.

After I got home and cleaned up we went to see Dr C and she pretty much said until I made the choice to change things instead of worrying about everyone else and not having the baby that I wasn't going to be happy. And honestly it makes sense. I know that I should pack Xay with me or stay with him rather then going with Chris. Or maybe it's just that I need a happy medium like she said. But finding that is so hard. I just wish things would go back to being normal.

I am supposed to go to Mount Sterling tonight so I can go with my friend to the doc tomorrow. I don't feel bad for not taking Xay there to stay because it's not where he needs to be.

I dunno what else to say my goals I have to think about because I don't know really besides getting xay back the way he should be with me.

So I came to Mount Sterling after I picked my refills and my new meds up at the pharmacy. So now I have Prozaca and abilify which I will from here out refer to as my happy pills. Or maybe the new one is my grouchy pill? Bless Chris's heart but his job is some serious bullshit. I know tattooing is his love and I love seeing him in a shop but this one is testin my heart. In the matter of 30 minutes I have made extremely mad and my anxiety level shot up. Now Carrie asked me to think of the good a bad things so I think now I will name some of the bad things that is helpin the depression stay:

1. The situation with Xay.
2. The work situation (trust it goes way worse then it sounds)
3. The living situation
4. Chris's depression
5. The amount of time spent on the road
6. Lack of eating except once and some snacks a day
7. No idea what I wanna do career wise
8. Everybody thinking I'm crazy when I do say what would make me happy.

I am currently hiding above the tattoo shop. It opened today and I am glad chris has an income. I guess I need to work but my heart really ain't in the typical job I wish I could find telework that I could do. Be awesome to work from home.