Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Losing Me

It is amazing how things come back into perspective. I went to see my doctor today and she was very...displeased with me about the fact that I stopped taking my antidepressants 3 months ago. As I was describing to her what was going on she informed me that I was still depressed. I was like but I don't feel the same as I did when I needed them! But the truth was when I stopped and thought about it while the gloomy cloud isn't there the lack of motivation, the fatigue even when well rested, the lack of appetite, along with so many other signs were there. I thought that my robotness was from the meds, that I could and would be fine without them but the truth is my body isn't okay. I am sure we have all experienced that feeling where you know something is wrong but just can't figure out what seems to be wrong with your body. Well that was my answer and once again I find myself back here.

I have been trying to keep up with my very active and very independent 17 month old. Trying to learn new ways to curve his hitting, pinching, tantrums, and well just trying to be a mom. My son does not sleep with me but rather with my mom and I refuse to be made feel bad about it when I know how much it means to my mom and I also know my son will sleep longer with her. As for the rest of the time....well I must say I have slipped the past three days. I haven't wanted to get out of bed let alone chase after my toddler and for that I feel like a bad mom.

I feel like I need to retreat and just do some old fashion meditating, soul searching, spiritual searching. Does that make sense to anyone out there? I feel like I am alone and I am so tired of people wanting to point fingers between mom and Chris saying they are the cause for this depression that they are the cause for my life taking the turn it is because truthfully I don't think it is anyone's fault.

Even still my son has always been at the forefront of my mind and I am forever conscious of how my decisions are effecting my son. I am very conscious of the bond he has with my mom and at the same time I am very much aware of the bond I have with him. People think that I am putting a man before my child but I am not. Yeah I did take a month away (and not a constant month either) but in that month I learned that a.) I could function properly without my mother and father, that b.) that I could navigate myself to bigger cities and on the interstate. And though those lessons may sound like common sense for most the people out there who know my mom should know that it was a really big deal.

I am not sure if this rambling makes sense to anyone out there but this is real, this is my life and it is sugar-coated. I am a mom. I am a student. I am a daughter. I am a girlfriend. I am friend. And I get so caught up in those roles that I loose the most important thing that I am and that is me.