Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 1 : Back To Life

Life lately has not been of the best quality. I made a lot of bad choices but now I am taking my life back. I have spent about 3 weeks away from my son and in all reality I have been behind the scenes for about 6 months while my mother took control...and I let her. I let idle threats and guilt trips take me away from the one person I love the most. Xadrian.

Chris's daughter was born March 14th. She is a perfect angel. Seeing her was kind of a wake up call. I spent two hours alone in the hospital chapel just praying. My life is a mess, what do I do? I prayed for him to specifically send me someone to be on the same page as me...someone who would help me.

For those of you who don't know Chris and I have had a rough road. We have had our share of issues and been at a cross roads several times and it is in those dark times that I prayed. People ask me why do you stay with him? Isn't the way you are all his fault? The answer is no this isn't all his fault. My choices have been my own and I have dealt with the consequences. I might not go to church on Sunday and I might default but I have so much faith. I know that God will answer my prayers and I know that he doesn't want me to be unhealthy and unhappy. With that stated God has been working through Chris. There has been many times I asked God should I really do this, am I making the right choice, or when we were having a particular bad spot should I stay with him and every time that I truly got down and asked God and had faith I would receive my answer I did because I thought maybe love wasn't enough to stay...but I realize that there might be a purpose I haven't worked out yet.

Chris came to me later that day in the hospital. He came and he talked to me on a level we hadn't been able to speak for awhile and he said "why am I telling you all this?" All I could do was smile because I knew the answer already.

We got home about 9:30pm last night and driving home I prayed to have my son back and I felt so positive because there has been this dark cloud over Chris and I both. But I know everything will work out right. Xay woke up not long after I came home and I went and got him. My mom got mad because I said he was sleepin with me but I didn't back down. She came upstairs with the cover of having a sippy and diapers but she wanted to take him. Made him cry after her but he settled back down with out to much fight and we went to sleep for the first time in months. I felt like a weight just lifted.

Today is the first day of getting my life back and I feel positive that this time as long as I don't loose my faith things will work out with Xay and Chris and maybe even mom. All I know is I can't do it all by myself.

Over the next few months I hope to blog at least once a day. This is not just about my son this about getting my life back and my body healthy because I have reeked hell on it. You will also see some changes and updates hopefully to the site. It's time for me to focus in on what means the most and this blog is more of a therapy to me then anything else.