Thursday, January 13, 2011

Justify Me

As of late I feel the need to justify myself more and more. You see over the last 6 months my life took an about face. I can blame this on a lot of different things, depression, freedom, new boyfriends, my mom...or I can just say look my actions and choices were my own and while so of them were effected by outside influences they have still been my own choices and I have dealt with the consequences of them. If you know me at all that last part is the one I have chosen to go with.

Most people look from the outside of the window and see that my mom takes care of my son a lot even though I am in the same house and they don't really get why it is that way. Truthfully there are times that I want him to be with my mom and there are times I want him to be with me but the fact is that while I might want him to be with me I don't get to have him when I want...most of the time. But this is changing. I have realized that my life is my own and my sons life is his father and mine until he gets old enough to make his own choices. But this isn't something you can just snatch him up after 6 months of being around mostly my mom. That would be hurtful to both parties involved and I know this. I love them both and I really do not want to cause either of them to hurt even if it is to my own expense.

School is also a big refocus because I did finish my Appalachian studies certificate and I am so close to being finished with my associates. All it requires is a little bit more dedication on my part. Which is hard. Job wise I have been off more days then I work because of the weather. Making $2.13 an hour plus tips is hard because people really ain't got money to tip. So I am really paying more in gas then I am making. So I decided it is time to relocate. Don't get me wrong this will always be home but I need to go where the jobs are so within a day I had my brother, his girlfriend, chris, and I a job interview with a temp service to try and get on at a factory.

Xay has gotten so big. He nods and shakes his head, has a mouthful of teeth, uses a fork to eat, runs all over the place, says mamah, momma, dada, papaw, kitty, bad, baby, bites, among other things. Speaking of Xay this is the first day in a long time that I have had him over two hours. I am beyond happy. He is sitting in a dog tent I got from Wal-Mart on black friday playing with all his toys. Speaking of toys he has more then he knows what to do with. I need to go shopping for him some bigger sizes when spring gets here I can't wait for yard sales because he is wearing some 18 months but mostly 24 months and some 2T. He has his daddys foot though because he wears a size 5-6 in infant shoes. He is so big.

Another big issue that I feel the need to address is Chris. You see it is kind of funny because Chris came into the picture right when my life was taking a swing. And most people say well it's all his fault. Really I have used him a scapegoat so many times that it is nobody's fault but my own that people think that he is the problem. You see Chris has been around for 6 years. We have dated twice and I know all his good traits and his bad traits and I love him none the less. We have had our fair share of fights and we have had our fair share of good moments. But here is the truth we are both willing to work through it and make it work. He gets along with PJ and heck PJ stays in the same house as us most nights. Chris has two daughters...well 1.5 because his other daughter won't be here until March 14th but none the less he has two daughters and I have a son and we are family even if our babies aren't with us everyday.

Anyways I needed to get all of this off my mind and I now I am going to feed my baby. Sorry I have been missing I am hoping that life will get better.