Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Not so easily conquered

Today was awkward okay. I had thought that it would be just that easy to get over PPD. Obviously I was fulling myself before so I am not sure why I let myself fall for that same belief again. It has been almost two week since I started taking the antidepressant and on occasion the anxiety pill. (Please understand that my medicine might not effect you the same way it effects me.)But they are my sleepy pills and Lord forbid I take them both together because I will be moody until I go to sleep. People tried waking me up and would get all kinds of answers with me still sleeping because I look at them like they are crazy when I hear the stories in the morning. But they seemed to work after these two weeks I have been getting better sleep and my appetite is coming back slowly (I weigh right now 132.6lbs). I hadn't had a melt down like I had been known to having of just utter depression...until tonight.

I am scared of my moms driving...it truthfully makes me think that I will end up dying because of her driving at times. But it is her car and quite frankly I hate to drive.  I slept a bit, we ate and generally got along. Then we went to pick my great-niece up. Now you all know the kids in the family are the most important things to me. But today I dunno I sprained my ankle yesterday and then Xay was sick and fussy today and I had been in the car three hours and mom wouldn't take L to the bathroom and felt my patience snap taut.

Insert melt down one in which I told mom that it was not my responsibility to take L and give my baby to her to keep...of course all the while doing exactly that.

I found it that I was the one watching both kids while my mom talked "pageant" and I just found myself settling in for a crabby mood. The mood mellowed out though when we went to see my niece and my other two great nieces.

So then on the drive back Xay and I slept a little and then he woke up fussing...and fussing...and that crabby mood came back. So I didn't take an attitude but then we went and picked Chris up he said something so simple but I felt that last string of my patience snap and my attitude start coming through which led to him saying that he would go to his cousins house if I was going to treat him like that. So I went to my room....and some more minor drama happened.

Insert melt down two in which I hid in the corner of my closet (secure really) and cried.

Then PJ started txting because he was visiting Xay and he said the simple words "It's weird seeing your mom bathing him. I was use to u doing it." Those simple words were like a slap across the face and thus I cried more.

 All I could hear in my head was that I was a bad mom, a bad daughter, and a bad girlfriend.

Hello PPD,

I realize I was wrong to think you were that easy of a pushover...but I will conquer you.

Sincerly,