Saturday, October 2, 2010

Admitting There Is A Problem

I have a problem. Sitting here it is hard to admit that over the last 6 months I have been sliding down this slope and over the last 3 months that slop turned into a cliff and I am free falling. I should have asked for help a long time before now but I was scared to admit I had a problem, scared what people would say, didn't want the looks of pity that are in my parents eyes.

As of right now I have almost all the symptoms of postpartum depression. Wow just sitting here typing this I feel like crying because I feel like I have let everyone especially Xay down. I mean that precious sweet baby that I love more then my own life....and I just can't be around him. At first I was kind of resentful because I was still breastfeeding....then when I stopped like that bond with him was snapped. Just like fate cut the cord and said "no more." Over the past few months I have started leaving him more and more with my mom and dad. I see what I am doing but it's like I have no control over it. The best thing for Xay is to be with them right now because I don't think I am that great mom anymore. All I can say is "WTF am I doing? I am such a horrible mom."

People see me and sometimes I am with Xay and we look okay. Please understand that I love my son and would die for him without a second thought. I have never hurt him and would never ever hurt him. That said I am not suicidal either but sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. Sometimes I feel like that would be the best thing for everyone involved. Other times I have these thoughts about something bad happening like a car crash and those thoughts coupled with the fact of how Xay rarely is around me is what pushed me over the edge.

Sure there are the other symtoms such as no eating right, and while I would love to loose the weight even though I am not eating hardly I still maintain a 136lbs weight. That drives me crazy too. I know I am not fat I never have been but I look in the mirror and all I see is this stomach, and this ugly hair, and I feel ugly. I don't feel like that beauty queen I once was and I am very skeptical about ever being that again.

I don't sleep period or I am extremely tired. It goes back and forth some nights I can't go to sleep to 3-4am. Other days I am so tired and will sleep till 12-1pm. It just goes back and forth and I think it is tied in with the whole not eating.

I am either extremely unhappy, or irritated. I snap super easy or I don't talk to people period.

I didn't know what to do before. I was to scared to admit that I had a problem because I thought everyone that knew me would judge me. And they did...they give me these looks of pity or they don't understand why I just don't get over it. I have tired.

Monday I go to see a therapist and then Tuesday or Wednesday I am going to try and get a hold of my midwife. I don't want to be on drugs....but at this point I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better. For Xay and for myself.