Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Reflection

Reflection is what I seem to keep doing more of. I have come into this funk where literally I don't want to be around anyone not even my son an it scares me. At the worst I just wish I didn't even exist. Everything has been so complicated over the last 6 months and I've been pushing through sometimes just because of Xay. And now it just feels like I don't care like I'm all cared out. I barely eat anything and when I do try to eat I can't finish without feeling sick. I am just all around unhappy. Truthfully it is no ones fault like sometimes hanging out with Chris at L&L's is a bright moment but there is still this dark cloud hovering close behind. It scares me because it was always there I guess since Xay was about 5 months but not really bad and then over the last few months it got worse. I am just not sure of anything anymore.

Chris is so uncomplicated yet completely complicated. We aren't a couple as we have been accused of. Honestly I am not sure what we are. We are friends most importantly though. I know not matter what we go through or whatever happens with us we will always be friends in the end and that's comforting. I just wish I knew what was going on sometimes I feel like I am falling back into the same routine but yet it is different. Chris and I have always been different, outside the mould. I accept that he is how he is and there isn't a damn thing anyone except himself can do about it and he keeps me grounded being one of the few people that tell me no. He is amazing with Xay always playing with him and stuff. But time has jaded things and I always keep my guard up.

Xay is growing so fast. He is taking stumbling steps from one object to another not quite walking alone but getting there quickly. He has 8 teeth and does this mean sneaky face. And he is mean. He head butts, slaps, and not so often as before bites. It seems like all I say is no no no Xay. He is so curious about everything and he examines his food before he eats it now. Like what is this? He isn't the tiny baby I brought home nearly a year ago. Sometimes I find it hard to connect those two together.

I am not sure what the future holds for me or my son but I am trying to take it one step at a time.