Sunday, September 19, 2010

Old Soul

This is my 601 post. Seems kind of weird that I have blogged that much I could make this into a book right? Just kidding. There is been so much going on yet absolutely nothing going on. Does that make sense? I still have that dark cloud hanging over me but for the most part I am ok...some days are just worst then others.

I went to moms hometown to put Xay in the pageant and my great nieces L and A competed later in the day. L made top 8 out of 19 and A got Princess (first runner up) which was good for her first pageant. Xay got Prince (first runner up) and photogenic. The little boy that beat him had a great personality. Which got me to thinking. My son at 11 months old (as of tomorrow) has such a serious personality, I mean he will smile and laugh but most of the time he is serious and curious and sometimes mean (and believe me when you see his mean face you know he is up to no good). He is right on good spot developmentally, it is just his personality. A guy looked at him and said to me "He has such an old soul." That got me to thinking what is a old soul? Most people I asked to me it was when a child acts older then what they are, that they are back reincarnate. That is all a little far fetched to me, but there are times Xay looks at me with these intense looks and I swear I am looking at someone older the 11 months.

I have been looking for a job. There isn't much to choice from here but that is they way it is with most small towns. I am officially broke..not really I have enough money to last through one more wave of bills and then I will be and I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point. Per usual I am not sure what I am supposed to do about any of this serious stuff really. I am just trying to keep focused but it is like everything is going out of focus and my glasses just ain't working. Understand? I hate this feeling of having no control over my life. I hate living day to day with no plan. I guess I can't say no plan I mean school wise I got a plan, job wise I got a plan, life wise I have a goal. But all that is future stuff and I need to have a plan for the right now.

PJ hasn't been to see Xay since last Sunday. We go to court the first of October over child support. He told me that he would just give up to his rights to Xay so he wouldn't have to pay child support (they passed a law this year that you still have to pay child support even if you give up rights). I have to say that I am more hurt by that statement. I mean he says how he misses Xay and loves him but he would give up rights? How? Why? I mean just wtf?! I don't understand it and quite frankly I am not sure that I want to. I feel sad for Xay but I know things are going to be okay but still it breaks my heart when Xay says 'dada' and I know that his 'dada' is not going to come around.

I just don't know anymore.