Thursday, August 5, 2010

Feel the need to clean

This post is slightly scattered and is basically typing down my trains of thoughts. Please pardon the mess.

Okay so let me be honest...last week and this week has been horrible. The diet got put on hold while I was sick and then because I stopped breastfeeding. So here is hoping next week will be better right?

I am back at 140lbs (apparently I any given day I will be +/- 2lbs.

I feel as if I am in a rut and I have the urge to cleanse my life. Does that make since? Like I have a lot of stuff that I have held onto physically and emotionally and I think that I am ready to finally let go. I am not referring to any one thing...just a lot of things. I am ready to move forward with my life rather then being stuck in whatever this limbo is. Everyone has good intentions for me but you know what they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I have been thinking a lot about what it is that I want to do (yet again). Most people by now have stopped asking me what I am majoring in because it changes so much. But I have issues with putting so much time into something that when I look forward I cannot even think of being happy doing for any length of time. It's like I am missing something. I think there is a disconnect between what I want and what God wants and until I figure out what he wants I am never going to be satisfied with whatever major I think of.

Officially I lost my finacial aid again. Which was already expected. I already paid for the one class and the books that I will be taking this fall (Appalachian Lit) and that will give me my Appalachian studies certificate. I am happy with that. I am taking at least two semesters off to rethink things through and do some soul searching.

I am still working through the WIA but I also have a job a couple hours a day for a few days a week for this little BBQ joint in town. I didn't even ask about it they just approached me about working for them and I was happy because that means I can save more the money I make from the WIA and use the cash that the BBQ place pays me to spend.

My mom got a new car today. Well not new it's a 2005 Dodge Neon. It was a really good buy and she is selling her Cavalier. It annoys me that the car is in my name...that there is now 3 cars in my name and none of them are mine. But I plan on getting a car hopefully when tax season rolls back around.

Remember how I said there is 3 people (PJ, PJ's brother, and S) living with us? Yeah well apparently one of the 3 stole $15 off of my mom. In all honesty we can't point fingers because it could be any of them but it really pisses me off that my parents go out of their way to help them....they live here and have whatever they need and for any of them to steal just blows my mind. I cannot stand a thief. I have had way to much stolen so I have a zero tolerance for it. Which means someone is going to be in big trouble when the truth comes out.

Tomorrow if PJ and I were still dating we would have been together for two years. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that. Two years. Wow. This has been a roller-coaster ride and I think that the final stop is getting closer. You see while PJ and I have been broke up since April a lot and yet nothing has changed. A lot for me has changed....yet nothing with him has. I have been asked why he is still here, why I put up with it, what my reasons are. To tell you the truth I can't answer any of those questions. PJ is a sweet guy but is still a kid. I have said this from the beginning but I never realized how big of an issue it would become. We had our ups and downs and I had planned on breaking up with him before I got pregnant. But the whole pregnant thing happened and I decided to wait it out and see if he stepped up and was a real dad and took on responsibility. Chance after chance was handed out but changes were never lasting. So I finally broke up with him. He has stayed and again more chances were handed out and then his attitude took a major turn for worst and I started letting go. I am numb to the situation and am honestly over with all the drama yet here we are. He said he was thinking bout joining the marines and under normal circumstances I would be dead set against it but I think that this is what he needs. He needs someone to put structure in his life, to demand him to do stuff and do it right then rather then waiting. He needs to be taught what being a man means. He said oh you will move on in however long he is gone and the truth is I have in a sense moved on already. I am still quite sure that I do not want to date anyone. I just need to focus on Xay and myself. But as for PJ and I....well I no longer get turned on by him and actually I could see myself never having sex period with him. I think that it all started when he started baggering me "can we have sex?" "can we do it?" that is a major turn off and the more he asked the less likely I was to give in and it went for so long and he still asks and I am just like hell no at this point. I had thought that maybe it was the breastfeeding killing that or maybe the fact that I had a baby natural but no the truth is I just simply do not want to. And then there is the feelings for PJ at first there was a attraction which turned into like which formed a love for him. However it's like after all this I look at him and see someone who isn't stepping up as a role model and father for either of his kids (I know he loves them but that isn't the only thing that makes a dad), I see someone who doesn't have empathy towards others and thinks about himself first, I see someone who has no respect for people, I  see a kid and being where I am at now that is the farthest thing from what I need. I could be with who PJ could be but I cannot change him (obviously) and I simply cannot be with the PJ that I deal with on a day to day basis. I can hope that if he does go to the Marine's he would change and we could try again but I don't think it will happen.

Where do I go from here?

I wish I knew