Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dear Heart, please make up your mind soon

Over the course of the last week my life has both changed dramatically and stayed the same. Does that make sense? PJ and I split for real several days ago. I am kind of in that mind set that I have wasted two years of my life with nothing to show for it but my son. I have been given tons of apologies and empty promises but words don't mean a thing at this point. It's simply to late.

Chris waltzed back into my life. For those of you who don't know he is my "first love." We have had lots of water under the bridge but I have always had his back if he needed me and that will be the way it always is. But he has been at my house a lot since his Aunt died. Chris and I dated twice once in 2004 and then once in 2007. He was in a low point of his life and made lots of mistakes and he payed heavy for them. But it is 2010 and the year is closing up rather quickly and I can see such a change in him. He has phased into manhood rather then the childishness he assumed was manhood back in the day. He has spent more time with Xay and done more for Xay in one day then PJ does in a week. That worries me...maybe not worry; I am not sure what it is I feel over it.

I want so bad for PJ to step up to his responsibility and he just isn't. I thought okay maybe this is just something that takes time but Xay is less then 2 months shy of being a year old and it's still the same thing. I will grant you that it has gotten to the place now where my family and I just take care of stuff instead of waiting to see if he would. But I know that I have sat many times and gave him the chance to see if he would see to Xay and he failed miserably.

Chris went with my mom, Sway, Xay, and I to a fair pageant that was outdoors. My mom had to judge Miss and I had to judge Teen. So Chris watched Xay the whole time, he went and put Xay's jacket and socks on him without being told, put him to sleep with no problems, and just generally took care of him. It makes me sad to know that if it had of been PJ that those things probably wouldn't have happened like that.

So what am I doing? I told both PJ and Chris that I didn't want no b/s and no drama. I was not am not going to date anyone until after I finish my class in December and then I might not even date anyone till the new year. I am just tired of the stuff that has been happening. I am tired of constantly being accused of cheating when truthfully I didn't; I am tired of being accused period. I just want a nice mature relationship and when I am sure that is what I will have with whoever then that is when I will decide to date. I just want what is best for Xay and I will remove any negative people from the equation if that needs to happen.

People I am sure are talking, "she left PJ for Chris." Nope that is really not the case. Don't get me wrong I will always love Chris and I do love PJ but I don't love them in the same way. PJ has a lot of growing up to do and Chris well I just have to be sure what he is really all about. I know right now that I do not in any shape or form want to be back with PJ and this point. What I need from him is what 6 years has made Chris. He is my friend first and foremost, the type I can sit for hours and talk about what is on my mind, what I want, what I need, what is on his mind, whatever. I cannot talk to PJ and maybe that is the one things that bothers me the most (second of course to how he treats Xay). If I start to talk to him he either a.) ignores me, b.) gets mad and doesn't understand what I am saying, c.) turns the music up, or d.) changes the subject. I feel like screaming sometimes because how were we ever supposed to work like that? This isn't middle/high school. We are adults and it is time that people started acting like one.

So again where does that leave me? At the moment I have two guys in my house. Chris and PJ are so different from each other. So what am I gonna do? I have no idea that only thing I am sure of was that I asked Chris to go to Church something that is so important to me and I didn't have to beg or threaten. If I had of asked PJ and he knows full well there is a standing offer then he would have said no.

All I can do is contemplate what the future is going to bring, focus on school, and then worry about these two guys.