Saturday, July 17, 2010

Unhappy accomplishments

1 comment
Xay crawled today...truly crawled for the first time and I felt like crying. I should celebrate this accomplishment and the fact that he is now pulling up in the playpen and walking around the sides; but, I am not. I feel sad. I miss the little bundle that would let me hold him for hours while he was awake. I miss the tiny clothes. I miss the excitement of him growing. I really don't want anymore kids at this moment. Actually I don't plan to have any until I have to have my mirena taken out but part of me aches for that newborn baby.

But I enjoy my son all the same. He is so smart and curious. He is a biter and chewer of all things formed from matter. He loves to swim and take bats. He always has more room in his stomach if you are eating no matter how much he ate before that.

He still sleeps with me. Part of me knows this will cause trouble later but I cannot bring myself to sleep without him. He still nurses to sleep at bedtime and at least one more time during the night. I will never exclusively breastfeed as long as I did ever again. This has been a love-hate relationship. I come to the conclusion that I will in the future breastfeed for strictly 6 weeks. Because the older they get the less likely they are to take that nasty formula. But that doesn't help me now. Xay is 3 days shy of being 9 months (wow), and I really want to stop breastfeeding. But he will not go to sleep at night without a huge cryfest. I have tried the pull off technique...but he is like a kitten that lost the tit. He roots around with eyes closed for a few seconds and then when he can't find it his eyes fly open and he starts fussing. Unless I wait until he is sound asleep. I refuse to breastfeed over a year....I am simply not that type of mom. I am tired of having these huge D boobs, I miss my happy C's! I miss the pretty bras, I miss the shirts, I miss being able to intake anything without worrying if this gonna hurt him.

I just want to take care of Xay but I want control of my body back. And I want to feel happy with myself when I look in the mirror again. Because mommyhood shot my security of how I look straight out the window. Most days I slick my hair back throw whatever on and go. I miss dressing up and putting makeup on, I miss being 125lbs. I look in the mirror and my eyes zone in on the love handles, on the pudgey tummy, of the frizzed out hair and I am not happy. It doesn't help that people say stuff either. Mom calls me fat, PJ calls me fat, my guy friends say I'm getting fat. At I'm just like gee thanks for making me feel like a million bucks (insert heavy sarcasm)!

But no matter I wouldn't trade this

for anything in the world.

1 comment :

  1. There really is nothing sweeter than watching your baby (whether they are an infant, toddler, or little kidlet) sleep! Love seeing my kidlets catch a few winks. :>


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