Monday, June 14, 2010

Oh mother....

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I have been putting off this blog post because it weighed heavy on my mind. See for those who haven't figured it out I was adopted when I was 4days old. When I was 16 I met my my real family. You all are aware of the whole sibling deal but I don't think I have spoke a lot about my real mom.

You see when my mom had me at 22 her life was a mess. I mean this woman has done a lot of drugs. She had 3 year old, 2 year old, and 1 year old and here I came. Our grandparents raised Shane, Amy and David. From what I heard mom was in and out of the picture more concerned about her drugs then her kids.

I knew this before I met her. So when I met her she was sober. I mean she smoked weed but but she was temporarily sober for the day. So we talked over the years and she came up and stayed part of a week for my 18th birthday. Again this was sober mom she only smoked.

Now don't get me wrong I know she does pills. Usually within the first week of every month she will get her pills and she will be so drugged up you can't talk to her. But I in person had never ever seen her like that. Until the other day....

You see we had to go do a family meeting thing for Amy. David's girlfriend Sway went with us. So I figured hey since we were up here we will stop and see mom so she can see Xay because she doesn't get the chance to that often. Big mistake. You see folks my blinders got blasted off my face and I saw firsthand mom on her pills.

We walked in and she plucked Xay out of my hands with a cigarette in her hand and start weaving around. I snatched his back ready to bolt out the door but of course that didn't happen because I had to change his diaper. So mom was talking and all of a sudden I tune back in to hear her say "You're what about 8 months now?" Um...no? I had Xay. "Ohh yeah that's what I meant...are you still breastfeeding?" Yeah mostly at night before he goes to bed. "Does he have teeth?" Yeah mom he has 4. "Does he bite?" Of course he bites! About the time I said that my step-dad who was passing out while sitting smoking a cigarette in hand sits up and says "take a rolled up newspaper and hit it in the snout and it will stop biting." All I could do is stare. I mean I can only imagine what my face must have looked like. How do you respond to something like that? Finally I managed to ask him what he was talking about and he responded so seriously "I'm talking bout what you are talking about." It was most certainly time to get out of there. As we were leaving my mom stops and says starts this story "I talked to my girl in 2004 and we are going to have this big wedding..." I didn't pay attention to the rest. I thought 2004? It is 2010!

That left an permanent picture engraved in my mind. You see my mother is never going to change. And while that is sad I think it is best for my son not to know her as an active part of his life. She couldn't even remember his name she called him Zane.

My mom and I have our fair share of differences. Especially when it comes to raising Xay and how a family system should work. But I know who my mom is. She is the woman who raised me when she didn't have to, that was there through me being bratty, throwing up in bed, angry and screaming. She stuck by me. And while I may not always show it I do appreciate her more then anything in my life. And it scares me to think that she is like 68 years old. She might not be here to see Xadrian graduate high school. To be honest I don't know what I am going to do without her.

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