Thursday, May 27, 2010

Sleep and boobs and weight issues

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So I have trying the Pantley Pull hopes that I might get a decent night sleep without having my back and neck hurt from laying and allowing Xay to nurse during the night. How is it going? Well let's just say my sons stubborn nature is well rounded on both sides of the family. So not so great but we are sticking to it that is of course till my eyes can no longer stay open and I give up the fight or he gives up his. It is like a battle of wills. But on a better note as long as I give him some toys he will put himself to sleep at bedtime. So that is an improvement to me. One small accomplishment.

I loved breastfeeding...really I love the bond that I have with my son due to it. But I am ready to stop! So very ready but at the same time I don't want to. Does that make sense? I wish that he would take formula but that is not happening. He is bred to be a picky eater. I am also partially scared to stop just because I know how bad it is going to hurt. Yeah not looking forward to that. I just want my boobs back. Breastfeeding is no longer great bonding time but rather a painful task (because my boobs have yet to heal and with the two new teeth up top...yeah I am not happy). So I tried the whole no. I mean sure he would probably drink it but when I mixed it a few times with his rice cereal and bananas he had the hardest poop ever. So I guess I am waiting till he is a year old so I can switch him to whole milk completely.

He says bite not clearly but you cannot mistake it. And you better believe he thinks he deserves a bite of EVERYTHING you are eating or else. I don't like it. I mean if he is hungry by all means I will feed him but I do not agree with poking a bite in his mouth every time he opens it. I hate to hear him cry but I am simply not willing to poke everything in his mouth. It's like asking for bad eating habits. I should no look what I eat! Speaking of which I am very frustrated. I want to eat healthier, I want my son to eat healthy and my mom does not breed a healthy food all. I mean I eat when I get bored....which is a lot...which is why I still weight 142lbs...10lbs less then what I was when I was in labor. I mean I do have issues with that and people in my home call me fat. Do they have any clue how that makes me feel? I mean I am pretty good at looking like it doesn't faze me but believe me it hurts. I mean I am kidding myself if I think I am ever going to be in a size 3 jeans again but a size 5 is a possibility. I want to loose weight but I need to be held accountable and I need to have a partner. Because I am lazy and don't have the drive to do it myself. I look in the mirror and for the first time in my life I am truly unhappy with what I see. I do not feel beautiful in my skin. I feel like I am a stranger in my body.

I don't have a solution. I don't know what to do. But I do know something is going to have to change but I have no idea where to start :(

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