Sunday, May 30, 2010

Siblings by blood

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I used to have this sense of longing growing up. I never had siblings closed to my age. But back then I didn't know I was adopted.

Then one day I found them papers an was like "wow! I have siblings!" I was beyond excited and began searching for them. And luck was on my side because I tracked down our uncle and he introduced me to them. 3 of them. I am not sure what expectations I had but dreams are never quite true and reality is harsh.

Shane is the oldest at 24 now. I guess I would describe him as a hustler. Doing drugs, hustling money. When we first met he came down for my birthday and well things were jaded...and memory never quite fades...and the whole truth will never be spoken. But one has to forgive. He has two kids, little boys. Things never go quite the way the should. But he is picking up the pieces trying to put his life together. And I hope he does.

Amy is the oldest girl at 23. My adopted mom always thought I wanted a sister and yeah at one point I did but that changed. Then I got a sister. Ugh. Amy has issues with telling the truth...or at least the whole truth. She has 3 kids, two boy and a girl. Her life is a mess and she is the type that has to crash hard before she learns and never takes other peoples advice.

Then you have David he is 22. David is the one I can be proud of. Yeah he ain't perfect but none of us are. It ain't about being perfect is about being real, about being trustworthy. I remember thinking when I first met him "hmm he looks like me." I am told we have the same dad. While part of me wants to know the other part could careless because this guy is my brother. My big brother. He is 2 weeks shy of being a year older then me....and I show him off every chance I get. But it is kind of funny because while I wanted to know him from the beginning I never got the chance. He wasn't a talker back then. Then he joined the Army. We started talking a lot before he went to Iraq. I would be called late at night when he was drinking. He has been back for awhile now and we hadn't talked as much until he started dating my friend. Now I am the first to say they are cute and I am tickled that he first and foremost happy but also with someone I like. But part of me wants to whine like a little kid like im losing my brother. That's really stupid and not true but yet still a fear. None the less I would do almost anything to ensure his happiness because I firmly believe he deserves it.

Part of me feels like because I was adopted I missed any chance I had at a real bond with any of my real siblings. Like sure we talk but now we are all grown and have our own lives. It makes me sad really. But the past is unchangeable. Who knows what the future holds.

One day I know Xay will have siblings and I hope to instill in him the importance of family. In my book family may fight within itself...but only if u make up but no one else can hurt family. That's like asking for war.

While I was disappointed I have no regrets in seeking my real family out. Sure they are for the most part dyfunctional but nothing in life is perfect. Plus you have to take the bad with the good. In this case two bad for one good.

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