Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Mundane life

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Have you ever felt like you have so much pressure and responsibility to do one thing yet you long to do something else? What do you do? I feel so burnt out. I feel like I have so much pressure on me; I always have but this is starting to drive me crazy. My life has become mundane. I know I was not prepared to be a mom but that is something I can handle. But people are expecting me to be some kind of super mom or a completely utter failure of a mom. They expect me to finish college, to be the right weight, to be this certain type of person. And I feel like everything has changed so fast and my priorities have change so drastically. I don't know who I am and of course there are no breaks on life to stop and figure it out. Everything that I really wanted to do become impossible when I got pregnant. So I am left trying to decide what I want and what I aspire to do. I don't know what to do really but the routine that appalls me.

I am 3 weeks shy of finishing this semester and I have to take a summer course and classes in the fall and then I graduate with my associates of arts and my appalachian studies certificate. But I am completely burnt out on school they very thought of having to deal with more classes when there is nothing you can really do with what I get UNLESS I do another 4 years of school and I just don't like the idea at all. I mean here it is folks I am 21 years old, a mom, and at the moment I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with MY life but I know exactly what I want my sons life to be like. Does that make sense?

I wanted to go to college and live in the dorms. I wanted to travel (which is still a possibility but the thought of big trips with Xay make me weary). I wanted to be Miss County Fair of Kentucky. I wanted to go overseas. I wanted to do so much and none of that is possible and the few things that are possible have a whole host of issues due to having a baby and makes the whole thing not even worth it until Xay gets at least 3. So what am I to do with my life?

I feel so suffocated by everything and I am scared because I don't want to mess up. If I mess up it messes with Xay's life and I want him to have the best life possible. The only real wish I have at the moment is for my own vehicle. But what would I really do with it? Seriously my mom has such a dominance over my life that I cringe at the thought of going anywhere she doesn't approve because of the fight that it will involve. I want my own place so Xay won't have to watch my parents fighting all the time like I had to when I was growing up. I want a healthier lifestyle for myself and for Xay. But to do that I would have to get a job which requires a vehicle. Which means I would have to leave Xay and I don't want to do that either! I just feel like throwing my hands up in the air. All this is weighing heavy on my very being and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but grit my teeth and push on.

In other news last Sunday we went to Indiana to see my real mom and step-dad. It was the first time she had got to see Xay. I don't have a lot to say about the whole trip it was nice to see them. But man she sure is loud.

This is my real mom Tina (Xay's Mawmaw) and her husband Gil (Xay's Pawpaw). This means Xay nows has a grandma, mamaw, mawmaw, papaw, papaw Jack, and pawpaw. I wonder what he will decide to call them when he starts talking.

I am working on a Wordless Wednesday post so hopefully I will have that up after this. I am sorry for being so emotional.

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