Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Crossroads

2 comments
Be warned this post is unedited, uncensored, and contains bad language.


So today was....eventful? I am confused and agitated pissed off. I had my suspesions for a while about PJ. Everyone has been saying well if you don't give him sex that he will give it up to someone else and I figured well if he does then he obviously is not right for me. But I figured heck we have been together going on 1 year and 8 months if he was going to do something like that surely he would have already? Maybe he has and I just haven't cared to go catch him like I did all my other ex's. I really don't know. All I do know is that someone called my dad while he was at work and told him that PJ had a chick in his car and that he was saying he hadn't seen me for 2 weeks.

So I back PJ in the proverbial corner. Told him he better think about how I would react if I had to catch him in the act (I have a bad temper) and he better think of his son too. So what does he say? He says that this bitch kissed him on the cheek and that was it. People my momma didn't raise no idiot. For real he thinks I am stupid enough to believe that? That might be a sugar coated version of what really happened but I wouldn't care a bit to walk up to him if a guy kissed me on the cheek and tell him BEFORE something got said. But no....I think he is lying but the question is will I find proof....better yet do I even care enough to find the truth? I know that I haven't been perfect nor has he. But since my son got here that is my world and I will not hesitate to get rid of PJ in the blink of an eye. OH and the kicker....he wanted me to kiss him after all of this? Are you serious? Hell no I ain't kissing him!!

To be honest I have struggled to keep this relationship together since I got pregnant. I did NOT want to stay with PJ, heck I had everything planned to break up with him before I found out I was pregnant. Boy did we have a rocky road through the pregnancy, we fought a lot and I stuck with it because I wanted to give him a chance to be a dad. I will admit that while he isn't perfect he loves his son and he is a good dad. But that doesn't mean things are going to work out. I have caught him in more lies then one, caught him where he sent naked pictures and received them from another girl, caught him asking when he and this other girl was going to hook up, caught him in all kinds of stuff and still I held hope that I could make it through this.

Did I delude myself into thinking that I was going to marry this guy? HA! I might have considered it like 3-4 years down the road when he really proved to be a man but most certainly not now.

No now I am at a crossroads...and I am stuck in limbo. I don't know which road I want to take. Do I want to move forward in with my life or do I want to stay on my current trail? I am not happy with my life people. I am not happy of the struggle I have with my faith because I am surrounded my people that do not have a strong of faith in God and it's hard to keep my footing and I fall way to often. I am not happy with the fact that I have no idea what I want to do career wise. I am not happy with the fact that I am still controlled completely by my mom. I am not happy that there are so many hands dabbling with the raising of my son. I am unhappy.

I know what I need to do. I am just to much of a pussy to take the steps needed to get it done. So what am I to do? I know what I want to do....I want to pack my son and I up and head for the hills. *sighs* If only I were that brave. But you know what I am going to do? I am going to sit here just like always. I am going to fight my way through finishing this little associates of arts. I am going to raise my son and I am going to find a job. I probably ain't going to be happy but I will provide for him. I will fight with my mom and PJ. But in the end they will win and I will bite my tongue until finally I can put my secret plan into action.

2 comments :

  1. I so would have kicked him to the curb a loooooooong time ago girly. You can do it. He can still be a daddy, but he doesn't need to be in your life as your man.

    I apologize for sounding gangsta... K is teething, I'm sick, and I'm trying to coherently put sentences together. I love you! Come over when your kiddo isn't contagious anymore! Call us if you need anything!

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  2. My suggestion would be to just wait a day or two and think it over before doing anything drastic. You can never go back in time and change things, so be careful. Interested in the 'secret plan'...

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