Friday, February 12, 2010

Analyzing myself...

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Yesterday was great! Everyone knows how I frequently complain about the fact that I never can get away from mom, PJ, or who ever is deemed fit by my mother to watch me; yesterday I got to hang out for awhile with my friend Shaina (that brings my count of friends that are girls to 2!). Her daugther Keevia just jabbered away to Xay when they were facing; it was to cute. Xay is apparently going to be shy for awhile from the ladies because his eyes got real big like "you are talking to me?!" It was precious; he did get brave and played footsie with her though. My mind was calculating all the photo opts the future held for these two. I think ... hope they will be good friends growing up.

Speaking of this subject I am going to reflect. Shaina and I were friends when we were kids. I still have memories of playing in the halls of the old farm bureau building while the adults had Honey Festival meetings. It's odd how lives crisscross because when I hit my teens I never talked to her again. Then when I found I was pregnant she told me she was and she has became the primary person I talk to about anything remotely baby related. It helps alot that our children are only 9 days apart.

She had said today that if someone had asked her this time last year if she would be friends with me this year she would have laughed. That did make me pause and think I was really that bad? Yeah...I was a pot smoking, spoiled rotten, mouthy, girl who hung out with the wrong crowd. I guess the one thing that is l about that is that I just felt left behind and outta my league with the people I had known before.

I remember looking up to people like Shaina and Julie and then my mom stopped bringing me around them and I stopped being invited to youth group because my mom was just impossible to deal with or for what ever the reason and I had to connect with other people. The people that I ended up connecting with were drug addicts, outta control teens. And that's what I turned in to and what I remained until I was 19.

What changed? I got pregnant pure and simple. My whole way of thinking changed. I started going to Church again and started focusing on the fact life was about the life growing inside me and nothing else mattered. I do what I do for my son and in a way he is my life saver. If I didn't have him I have no doubt my life would be just like it used to be.

I don't connect well with people my age and a lot of people take me for stuck up because I won't jump into conversation with people my age (no problems with older people though) which I think is a major cause for my lack of true friends. But now more then ever I long for a connection with people. I laid it all on the line to my brother David about wanting to connect with him. I got silence. I felt rejected and that hurt more then it would have had it been someone else. Still I guess I am scared to put myself out there.

Okay enough analyzing myself. I do this way to often when I type posts on my iPhone. Please overlook errors, stupid phone has spellcheck and it changes words that aren't supposed to be changed.


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