Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Time flyes past

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So I am maintaining the front desk today at work and this is the job that I prefer to do because all I gotta do is sit on the computer and check books in and out. Easy. I have managed to get some school done while sitting here which is great because I just realized I have like three weeks left until college and my job is over until Janurary. I can't believe this year is almost over and that Thanksgiving and Christmas are both right around the corner. Where did the time go? I mean jeez my baby is already a month old as of today. I feel kind of sad honestly because I feel like I missing so much and yet I am not missing anything. Does that make sense?

And then there is the lack of....I don't know. My relationship with PJ is lacking something. Yeah I will admit when I am home my world revovles around Xay. I am not ashamed of that at all. I know that PJ is a clingy person and I think that he is sort of jealous of the lack of time he gets but what is bad is when I do want to spend time with him, he is on the computer or gone to town. So where is the balance I ask you? While I have found my groove of being a mommy, doing school, and working I have not found the groove for our relationship and I just don't feel like it is my fault. I am sorry but I changed the moment that baby was placed in my arms. I am not a clingy touchy person I lost that need well before I got pregnant and it was reinforced with the pregnancy. I have the need not to cuddle, or kiss, or have sex but the need of campionship. I need someone who will sit next to me and watch TV while I hold my son and talk to me. And that is something PJ is lacking. I don't know if we will ever find that balance but I can hope we will. I just need a more adult relationship and he is still growing up. Time will tell.

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