Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Reflections of Relationships

2 comments
Sitting at work today has offered a lot of quiet me time and honestly I am hating it. Things have been rather distant between PJ and I because all my time is occupied when I am at home with our son and then the times that I do want to spend time with him he is either occupied with the computer or gone. I am honestly at a loss of how to work this out at this point it's like we are together but we aren't.

I don't want to have a sexual relationship at this point I want something more. I want communication badly and it's something he does not offer. I want to be able to have conversations about our plans for our son, about our life, about what's going on in the news, about school. But we do not and never have had that type of communcation. Does that matter? To me it does. I feel like what I say to him doesn't matter and honestly I don't think it does because while he will alter his behaviour for a little while it always returns to how it was (ie. the rules). I don't really know what to do about it.....actually I don't think there is anything I can do about it. But honestly I keep questioning if I should stay with him because while I do love him love is not strong enough to hold a relationship together when only one person is making an effort. I know that he will say well I am getting a job like you told me too.....and all I can say is I shouldn't HAVE to tell you to get a job, I shouldn't have to tell you to get an education, I shouldn't have to tell you what your son needs.....you should WANT to do those things and you should pay attention instead of being off in your own world.

Now that I have Xay I am more focused on what it is that I am looking for when it comes to my future husband and at the moment PJ is just not any of those things. I want someone who is caring and compassionate, someone who loves God, his family, and animals, who communicates well, who isn't all about sexual stuff, who works hard to help support his family, someone who will be my partner rather then being above or below me. Before I just wanted a guy who had a good personality and pretty eyes and while that is still good things especailly the personality the rest of the stuff is more important now. Maybe it is because of Xay because I want a man that will be a good role model and while I know PJ loves his son with everything in him....he is still a kid himself....he doesn't want to grow up right now and I can understand that but he needs to. I just feel like I am still in a high school relationship when I am ready for an adult one.

2 comments :

  1. I understand everything your saying. When you become a mother your whole outlook on life changes & so do your priorities.

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  2. It is a tough thing at such a young age to juggle a new baby, a house, and a relationship...I hope you find your happiness!

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