Sunday, March 29, 2009

Fears so big it could sink this house

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Sitting here it is hard to believe how much my life has changed. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no control over where it is heading and yet my hands are on the reigns. I turn 20 on Saturday (April 4th) and I am still in shock; I will be 10 wks pregnant then too. And I am scared out of my mind honestly. I still got so much to learn so much to do and I will have a baby come Nov 1st and that will change life as I know it. Life won’t be about me anymore it will be about the baby. I know I can handle it despite what my mom thinks. I don’t want to make the same mistakes as she did. There will be rules and I don’t really think that is a bad thing. Everyone says it will never work but I know lots of people that had rules and they turned out to be great people.

My biggest worry at this point is the father I guess because I don’t know if he is ready for another child….he doesn’t take care of the one he has. And I am the type of woman who will get rid of him before I will let him stick around and be a deadbeat dad. I would rather do it all alone then to do it alone with him right there. I am independent and maybe that is a fault rather then a good thing but I can pick up the pieces and move on. I am strong enough to do that. Everyone around me says I should go ahead and get rid of him, that this isn’t going to turn out good. But I want to at least make a effort to try and make this work. I won’t stay with him for the baby but when the child gets older and asks me what happened to its daddy and me I can at least say I tried sweetie but it just didn’t work. Everyday I see more and more that this will never work. He proves it over and over with decisions he makes and honestly it takes every inch of my will to stay with him and put up with his childishness. I am not the type of woman to deal with this but here I am and I am still asking WTF???

My mom is going to be the other big problem because I know I am going to argue with her over this baby. I have got to get my shit straight and get a car and get out from under her roof. I know I have been spoiled and that I am used to having mommy being there to help me but I can’t have her trying to raise my child. It will turn out just as screwed up as me and I will not have it! If it’s a girl and does what I did at least I can say I tried to prevent it and that it was my own fault not my moms.

Everything is so complicated I am still trying to finish school. I have to finish school for this baby. I will not live check to check and raise my child that way. I don’t care who says what up until I was 16 my life was OK but then it spiraled downhill from there and I am still trying to get back on track. But I truly believe this baby will be a turning point for me. I want to be the best mom I can be.

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