Thursday, November 20, 2008

Things are going good. I am exhausted really but I keep going this weekend is going to be long....hell next week will be too. But that okay I reckon I should be used to being on the run.

I have a pageant this weekend in Lexington. It's the Kentucky State Festival pageant. Grand Supreme winner wins a grand so I guess I need to focus but my heart really isn't in this pageant like it is the one in January. This is a different level and it's just like BLAH. You know?

On a lighter note I will get to go see Twilight on Saturday too and I will also get to get the next book in my Meredith Gentry series by Laurell K. Hamilton so I reckon it is all worth it in the end. I just feel like I am being pulled in a million and one directions and it's like I am trying to find level ground to stand on and it's hard. Everyone has expectations about what I need to do and how I need to be and it's like I am back to square one because I am trying to keep everyone happy and it's making me so edgy and it feels like I shouldn't have a right to what I really want. And when I ask anyone to change it's like I am the crazy one for even suggesting it. I should be used to this right I have been dealing with it since I was born right? I mean my mom has had expectations from the minute she got me. But what about me?

I want to focus on passing school with good grades. I don't want to be laughed at because I want to go to medical school and have better then what I have grown up with and I really don't think that is to much to ask.

I didn't say that I was clean did I? I am dealing with all this and doing everything sober! It seems so surreal because I said I wouldn't quit smoking for anyone but myself and yet P.J. comes into my life and everything changes. And it's like I can thank him for it but at the same time I wish the choice had of been mine to make on my own because I know that if anything was to happen to me and him I would start again because it wasn't an option to smoke it was him or it and I of course choice him. And he gets mad if I even bring it up because of things in his past but he can't look at it from my view. If I wanted to loose him I would smoke but I don' I don't smoke. But he gets so mean about it. He doesn't understand how hard it is for me and he doesn't understand why I started smoking really to begin with and I don't have the words to explain it to him. So I try and keep my mouth shut but that means I can't talk about two years of my life either because it was a everyday part of my life.

I love P.J. and I intend to have a life with him so I won't think about it. I just know that it's hard and I don't have anything to keep me grounded and it's like I ain't allowed to smoke....can't smoke cigs either can't cut can't do anything. It's not right.....what about me goddamn it? What about my sanity?