Thursday, January 31, 2008

So I started talking to this really nice guy. I mean he is really nice took me cosmic bowling paid for everything. But yeah all I could think was he is a nice guy but not someone I would date so it takes me like a week and a half (till tonight) to tell him that I just don't want a relationship...and that I want to be sure of what I want before I jump head first into it. You know?

I guess what I really am saying is that I am not over C, that I am not over J and that I just don't want to do this bullshit anymore. I am tired of putting everything on the line just to have it shoved back into my face. I am tired of being the one that loves with everything in me just for someone to go back to their ex because they fancy themselves in love with them. What the hell? Do I just project "come to me and I will take the hurt away so you can go back to it."

I dunno so I am talking to this 17 year old girl online and she fancies herself in love with me. She is in NC taking care of her dad but is from over close to Morehead. So yeah I am antsy because I don't trust people I don't know online...let alone someone I can't see on webcam. So yeah. But she is all like crushing hard on me.....and if she is real she is really nice. But I have never DATED a girl before yeah I have messed around with girls and yeah I will swing both ways but like the whole guy thing I am just not sure I want a relationship.

I think that if I wanted to I could I know of one person I could take the chance with given the opt but that isn't going to happen....1. because he is one of J's good friends and I have dated a lot of guys friends and it most of the time causes awkward situations. Yeah I would prolli fuck him for the hell of it but I don't see him looking twice at me for anything but a fuck. So here's to you Slingshot for being the only one at the moment that I would fuck for a one night stand.

Doesn't that make me sound like such a slut? I really ain't! I promise in a two year period I have slept with 13 guys and 3 girls. I know girls my age that started with the were 13 rather then 16 and slept with 3x as many people. So do I call myself a slut no. Because 9 times out of 10 the people I sleep with are people I am dating and then the other percent of the time like in J's case I really do like them and would love for it not to be just a fling. Would I casually fuck any of the ones I have slept with before? Fuck no....though if J was to say hey let's fuck I prolli would just because. But yeah he can't even look at me the little fucker. That is some shit the way he done me but shit happens right? I am over it.

Now let's get back to my train of thought.....it is funny how I am still semi-friends with everyone I have dated and fucked. I can be around them like nothing ever happened. Point and case Tim is living with me again. We were hard pressed for time and we both needed to take a shower. I have seen all his bits before as has he mine. So we just take a shower together. And it's like me taking a shower with my friends when I was younger NOTHING happened and nothing will happen unless I choose. I am in control of my body. And while I am not proud of some of the people I have fucked I am lucky that I do not have anything. That is better then 70% of breathitt county.

Soooo moivng on we are back to not having no money. Back to having to move and struggling. I am not sure what the hell we are going to do. Because I damn sure can't help because I am trying to manage all my bills. I can prolli help out of my second check but I first I use to pay my bills. I guess I need to sit down and figure it all out. I wish I had a car because then I would fix all this myself. I know I could pay the pills given the opt and the ride.

Well I guess this is if for tonight I am going to go to bed.


TTYL,
Neatha