Saturday, November 4, 2006

The words repeat themselves over and over again like an old broken record. How could I be so cold? I wasn’t raised to be like this yet here I am sitting here letting my mind control me. I love him, yes I love him, but at the same time I am not happy with him any longer; what am I to do? I hurt myself but I hurt him more….and maybe I should have let him go before this but a piece of me don’t want to let go. Hell even now that it is done I still don’t want to let go. I am confused about myself and about my future. I don’t know really what I want anymore and I can’t take people down further just because I am falling from grace. So I guess this is it….I never break up with guys yet here I sit….I made my decision and yet even now I am questioning if it is really the right one. What is the right one? Keep him and cause him more hurt? I don’t understand myself. I have been hurt……maybe that is why I am so cold. I have loved with everything in me and I have had in shoved back in my face. Is that I why I am a ice bitch? Maybe. All I know is I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like acting this way, yet even though I say that I am so set in my ways that I can’t change. I can’t make myself change. Why? Why can’t I just go back and be that sweet loveable girl that I was? That girl who was sort of shy but at the same time was outgoing? That couldn’t be stereotyped because she wasn’t normal because she was her own person. My decision. My choice. My ruin.