Thursday, September 21, 2006

In which Greg cheats

I am so tired, I dunno why though its not like I done anything to day besides sit at the damn computer. I got my laptop working again after it got stolen, sold, and brought back. I had to call dell to get a generic password so I wouldn't be charged $60 to get it fixed.

Greg is doing his thing in Mt. Sterling. I don't think I posted it before this but I found out the he had "cheated" on me through this girl down there. I wasn't mad or anything I just felt numb. I went down there took the girl and confronted him about it. Turns out get got drunk and passed out and she decided to climb on top. Pretty fucked up. I told him I would give him a second chance but there would be no third.

We are doing pretty good right now...I still never see him. I hate that part......he is wearing his body down and he needs to get some rest. He works from 6pm till 5-6am. I worry about him a lot.

I have never felt so caged and alone in all my life since I have since he hasn't been here it sucks. I wish I had some friends.

He found that I talked to Chris a couple times. I don't even like Chris like that but he still got mad at me. At least Chris understood me and we had an understanding that we would never try to be more then friends. But I am used to being told not to talk to him. It's a loss of a good friend but it's worth it, it the long run to keep him.

I do however need someone I can talk to and Greg is just not around plain and simple. He isn't around at the times that I need someone and quite frankly I would rather him work because he needs the money to get out of debt. But not only that but there are times when I need someone that he doesn't really work because he makes me feel 10x worse then what I started out feeling....makes me feel immature. I hate that feeling too. I just want him to listen and act like he cares I still believe at times he just thinks I am a chore.

I have been so frustrated lately. I am snapping at everyone and I can barely stand to be around anyone in this house. I know why the caged bird sings for freedom. God do I ever need that. I am not just caged on one side but on all four sides. Restrictions and lots of them. I feel so panicky all the time. I hate having to conform to what other people want me to be. All my life its been like that. For once I want to be who I want to be.....someday I will too. Someday I will get so fed up with being told what to wear, who to be friends with and who not to, how to talk, act.......damn it I am not a fucking puppet show doll!

I guess I will end there because I am getting myself aggrivated and I think I am going to try to go to bed early.