Sunday, July 16, 2006

I just want to be trusted for real cuz I am not out here cheating on Greg or something like that. I don't cheat!!! If I didn't want to be with him I would tell him instead of leading him on. But I do want to be with him. I do love him....for so many different reasons. But most because of the feeling I get when I am with him....it's just like I am happy and complete. I don't like how he always tells me that I don't love him. He took my cell phone today like I was going to call or someone was going to call. I know what the hell it is like to be cheated on for 5 months straight. I know what it feels like and I am not about to do that to anyone. I am to loyal because I am the type to stay by a guy no matter what.

I smoked pot for the first time today. Greg hasn't let up about it so I did it. It's not something I would do everyday. It tasted nasty. Funny out of all the guys I have dated I have always resisted doing pot or any other drug for that matter. But I couldn't with Greg.

It seems sometimes like he doesn't want to be with me. He talks about us getting married when I turn 18 and him joining the Navy and us making a life for us. But will he? Sometimes when we are out he just walks a head of me and it's like he is saying "ladies I am free, that girl isn't with me." I know that sometimes I walk off from him but sometimes some thing catches my eyes. I am not used to having to say come with me and not having a hand to hold so I can drag him along with me. It's not like I am leaving him because I don't want to be with him.

I don't know....I just wish he showed more of what is on his mind. It's like a brick wall at times.....I don't know if he is mad, or if I done something wrong, or what. I don't want the jealous side but I do want him to be able to talk to me and tell me if something is on his mind. I like the times that he just lays down with me and tells me what is on his mind. It certainly makes me feel more comfortable. Other times when I try and talk to him it's like I am just a chore to him, like he really doesn't care what I have to say.

At times I could smack him when he tells me that he isn't a good boyfriend because he is. He is the best I have ever had and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He gets mad when I say that I am not a good girlfriend. Which sometimes I really feel like that. *sighs* I don't know.

Mom has made me have a damn complex....she tells me I am fat so I think I am. She tells me I am childish and that hurts. That is the quickest way to hurt me and make me shut up is to have family, friends, or Greg call me immature and childish. I know I am at times.....so what? Atleast I am happy....when I act all mature and adult like I am miserable because at times that isn't what I want to be. I am not going to comform to what people want me to be and be miserable. My mom needs to realize that.....Greg in his way knows that....but then again I would do whatever he tells me to do just about because I don't want to lose him. I just pray that I am not just a bop to him.