Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I don't even understand it anymore....maybe I should take the full blame for everything that has happened in my life? Is that it?

Getting drunk was my fault and whatever did happen that night was my fault.

Not standing up to myself to Ducky was my fault and letting him hit me was my fault.

What happens at work is my fault.

Being on probation is my fault.

That is the four biggest mistakes of my life. I was to stupid and to immature, hell maybe I still am? I don't know anymore!

How is it that I can be sure of so much then have it all broke down. Why is it that everything can be broken down faster then I can build walls around it??

I hate this damn town. I hate everything that has happened it and all the son of a bitches that live here (Greg doesn't count). I hate my life here and I want out so damn bad it isn't funny. I wish sometimes that I wasn't so scared of doing shit. I would have ran away long ago if I hadn't been scared and I had of had someone to help me. But I stayed and look at my life! It is so fucked up and I have been through more then most kids from my type of family have. Fuck I can't even relate to kids my age! I don't have friends really in this town. I have a lot of people I know....but none of them are really friends. They have their own life they have their own cliques. I don't fit in.

I sometimes wish that I was ugly, or that I didn't stand out. That I was the normal blonde hair, blue eyed, all white girl. Maybe then I would fit in and get a lot less atention. Wouldn't that be better? I stand out because I am one of the few girls of color in the town. I stand out because I do do beauty pageants and I have won a lot. I stand out for so many things and sometimes that is the worst thing ever.

So why the hell can't I just leave? I have 9 more months to go before I am truly Greg and I could leave now and not come back? But I am pretty sure that he isn't going to do that. No that would be trouble for him and I don't want that. I won't leave because I love him and I don't want to lose him. But sometimes it seems like I am going today. Like today....I have thought several times that he was going to break up with me. I know that I can't handle that.

So he is telling my mom the reason I will not be going back to work. I really don't want to talk to her about this....I am scared to because I know that this is going to backslide me a lot. I know that she is going to look at me as being more immature then before and as stupid. I might be a lot of things but damnit I worked so hard to get the little bit of freedom I have.

Fuck...fuck...fuck.....FUCK. I am feeling so damn panicy and like I am going to have a panic attack. I feel it welling up inside me like it is hard to breath and I want to cry. These are the times I used to cut....but I can't do that....I won't do that. Damn it....what the hell is wrong with me? I don't know the answer to that question and I don't want to tell Greg that I am feeling like this because I don't want him to think that I am trying to send him on a guilt trip. I wish honestly that I had one good friend that was a girl. Someone I could trust and could go to with all the problems that I can't take to Greg. I used to have that...but once again a stupid mistake on my part caused me to lose that. God I am so fucking stupid!

I am destined to for failure ain't I? Damn look at my families! It is on both sides....adoptive and biological....I am destined to fuck my life up. Atleast I haven't started doing pills and hard drugs. Maybe I should? haha that is so damn laughable.....I live in a fucking shadow of everyone elses mistakes and it makes my life hell. Everyone is telling me their mistakes and telling me not to make them.....but what the fuck do I end up doing? Their fucking mistakes. I guess my real family expects it because that is how most of them done it. But my adoptive family has such fucking high expectations that I could never reach them. I dunno I get pulled in so many damn ways.

God please help me because I am starting to firmly believe that you really are the only one that can.

I love Greg....and that is the only thing that I need to focus on. That is it.