Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I hate my life. I wish I could go back to cutting, atleast it gave me a different pain to focus on. But I can't. My day has gotten progressively worse with each passing hour. I got a job I should be happy shouldn't I? I would be if it wasn't for the fact that my 42 year old boss felt me up and I can't tell anyone. He was in trouble for this once before but the charges was dropped and you would never think that he was the type to do that. I can't quit and I can't tell my mom because what the hell kind of life would I have after that?? I am already so overprotected that I can't step out the door with her and now that I do look what happens. I wish I wasn't pretty. I wish I was ugly. On top of all that and being scared now....Ducky called. I had just convinced myself that I would be okay without him that I was strong and I could handle it but I can't I still love him and I can't handle it. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to turn to something I need security and I have it no where. I told bubby and mark about my boss. I wanted their help....their comfort but they are to wrapped up in their own lives to care about me. My sister too. I have absolutely no one and it scares me. I never thought this shit could happen to me! I thought that it only happened in big cities....boy was I wrong. I am scared to go to work tomorrow but I have to. I can't tell anyone because no one would believe me. I want to tell Ducky but I don't think he cares....and even if he did he would get mad at me or kill the guy. I am in a lose lose situation all the way around. I need help. I need a friend someone. I want to forget and I am starting to think drugs might not be as bad as they sound. I am starting to think that they might offer me a solution that nothing else can. I made a promise never to cut....so maybe pills can do it for me. I dunno I will ask Anthony about them later and see what he recommends. They only stay in your system three days so I would be safe from drug tests. No one would know. No one cares enough to know.