Friday, February 10, 2006

Life is to complicated

Okay so this has been a draining week. As you all know my brothers wife walked out on him and his 19 year old daughter and her 1 year old daughter. The house was nasty really. It still isn't clean by no means and that is with my mom, kelly, and big brother working on it for 4 1/2 days. I didn't clean I watched the baby and took care of her which was fun. I basicly took care of her needs when Kelly was working. I also bathed her for two nights and took care of dressing her and feeding her.

About 6:30am on Wed. Ducky called telling me to pick him up the Kirby told him I was holding hands and kissing on some guy at Wal-Mart months earlier and apparently two other people told him it to so we fought. I got hurt pretty bad by things that was said. I never done that to him!! I wouldn't. But it one of those things that I am the one that knows the truth and no one else will believe me. I hate it when it's like that. We had came home to try and get him and once again he ended up sleeping (after we fought he still wanted to come). Then he called me when I was 30 minutes from Greensburg wanting me to come and get him but mom was supposed to go to court with big brother so we didn't. Ducky cried and begged...and then I cried and begged mom to take me home and she didn't because the roads got to bad. Then at like 5:30am Ducky called (I missed his call due to sleep) but I got his voicemail and he begged me to come get him. But we weren't home so we couldn't and I felt so bad. I tried to call him back but I got Kirby and not him.

So we are home now for the time being I talked to Ducky about an hour ago and my God I just want to cry. Both of us are hurting from this. He says that we are falling apart. Which isn't a lie. No I haven't stopped loving him but everything is coming between us. I hate it...I don't want to lose him. He tells me not to give up on him. I won't give up on him. But each day I hurt more and I can only imagine what he is going through. But he has his little girl which is his reason for staying out there.

Sometimes I feel just like I am the other girl in the relationship. I know I am not but Kirby is out there living with him and everything and it's like 'Where do I stand?' Because I mean I don't have his daughter, I don't has his families approval. The only thing that I offer him that he doesn't get from everyone out there is love and help. He says that I am better then Kirby and that he doesn't want her. Truly I know that. But I also know that as long as he doesn't have any custody of Cheyanne that I will always be in the background. That kills me too. I asked him what would happen if I turned up pregnant. He answered that he would come be with me and fight for custody of Cheyanne. But it seems he won't do that any other way. I don't know what to do anymore. I keep hoping he will get fed up and walk. But I don't see it happening soon. The psychic said that I would end up living with Ducky in March so maybe it will come true. I hope.

As for my brother and his wife. What was agree upon before court was $25,000 and her car. But the judge didn't think she could live on that. So now big brother is looking at losing the family farm to pay her. It is so stupid. He says he wants her back. That he loves her and that he was with her for 19 years and he isn't ready to lose her. Feb is a bad month for him. I mean last year Kelly popped a kid and he didn't even know she was pregnant, this year his wife walks out on him, and then to top it off his birthday was the same day he had to go to court for the divorce (Feb. 8). So yeah

Life is getting way to complicated for my liking. Mother has made up the excuse that we are moving in with big brother, that I would be going to Lindsey Wilson College in the fall, and that I was starting over. So our new lawyer is getting it on the court dockets to go back to court to try and get the probation and no contact with Ducky lifted. I have my doubts though. The judge is an asshole so I don't see it happening but maybe.

Well I guess I have wrote enough. TTYL