Friday, January 20, 2006

letter to ducky

Dearest Ducky,
Wow...I really have no idea where to start and end this letter. We have been together 10 months today, and these 10 months have been hard yet wonderful. I would not exchange them at all. But the last 2 months have been extremely trying on me. With Kirby being out there, your family wanting her, and you staying out there when you have the car.
Jamie I have respected the fact that you want to see your little girl but this has finally gone to far. I can only handle so much and you are pushing me way past my limits. That sounds familiar doesn't it? Kirby wrote you the exact same thing. It's funny really how different her and I are, yet there are so many things that we are similar by. I mean reading the stuff she wrote you....some of her words are like echos of what I have said to you. I pity her. I really do...not only for how stupid she is being but honestly I pity her if you are really doing her the way she says. Or maybe I should pity myself? I honestly don't know which. I do know one thing though. I think that you tell her a lot more then what you tell me you do. I have heard you tell her you love her. You may not mean it...but damnit Ducky if you don't then don't say it. It's not good to play with a girls heart. It's even worse when there are more then one girl's hearts involved. You love your daughter....of that one person I am honestly for sure of your love for. But you know that either way you are going to see your little girl. Even when you leave and stay with me you can go back and see your little girl. You KNOW that. So why the games huh?
You lie Ducky.....you lie about everything. Your are getting ready to be 26 years old. 26...that is an adult. Honestly at times I feel that old and to be quite frank at times you act more my age then I do. You have lied to be about you not going to do things, and say things. Lied to me about drugs, lied to me about coming over, about kirby, about so much. But I am still here. I still love you. But I am tired of it and things are going to have to change. But maybe Kirby is right.....you really won't change. Your pretty set in your ways. But you know what Jamie. Unlike people I do KNOW what love is. I KNOW how love is supposed to be. I ain't stupid and I ain't basing my love on these stupid chick flicks either. I am basing it on people who I have seen who are married. People that do have a good relationship.
Love is being with each other and respecting each other. It's about trust which yeah is something we have struggled with but the trust isn't just about me anymore.....I trusted you even when things were right in front of my face. But you have lied one to many times for me to trust you like I did before. I know that when you promise something I can almost count on it not happening. That ain't how a relationship is supposed to be. It's about caring for each other, being there to hold each other when one is having problems, about taking care of each other when one is sick, about listening to how the others day has been. Its about sharing in the other accomplishments and encouraging them. Love does NOT put each other down, does not cuss each other out because they can't do something. That ain't how love is. I have seen you actually love me....but I have also seen times when there was more of a curious attraction. So what is it? You put a ring on my finger something you said that you would never do. But yet I hear a lot that you tell people you will NEVER marry. So Ducky is this ring something you put on my finger to make sure that even though you have your people there I will stay with you?
Which brings me to my next point why the would Kirby lie in that book of hers huh? I was never meant to see or read it so why would she lie in it? Tell me that? If she didn't lie then YOU bought her the ring, and she bought you the game you had mom take back. Which would make since if the card was hers. You gave it to her didn't you? Yeah the more I think about all this the more funnier it becomes. One great big love triangle isn't it? You Mr. Vires are right at the tip of it too. So isn't that peachy. You are a fucking liar.....and oh my god I love you. But this ain't going to continue. You change or I leave. No more.....if you want Kirby then stay with Kirby fight with her, beat her or whatever it is you do. If you want me stay with me and leave her. Respect me. But let me make one thing clear. I am not going to be a puppet anymore....I am not going to let you sit there do the exact thing you scream at me for. That is stupid and it ain't no kind of relationship.
So what is it going to be? Your daughter isn't even a factor in this so don't try and hide behind her to justify your ways. It isn't no excuse. It's Kirby or me. No both of us. No I love you's to me then get off the phone and I want to be with you Kirby. It ain't happening no more because I am not putting up with it. It may be hard for me to make myself get over you but I am 16 I am NOT going to waste my life, my heart, and my soul on someone who doesn't give the same back to me.
Kirby calls you her Prince of Lies......you want to know what she is really calling you? The Prince of Lies is a synonym for Satan, Prince of Darkness, The Devil, The Serpent...a.k.a. The source of evil, in all its myraid forms, found throughout the universe. Funny huh? To her you are the source of evil....the source of her problems, her heartache.
Yet you have been my saving grace so many times it isn't even funny. You were there for me two times when I really needed you, both times you stood by my side. But that's changed hasn't it? You don't stand by my side anymore. You stand in front of me....walk in front of me. You are with me when it is good for you. You call me when it is good for you. When you are fighting with your parents you call me....when you need money you come to me....when you need a car you come to me. No I am not saying you are using me. I am saying you know that my family and I love you. You know that when you need us we are there for you. But Jamie you need to be there for us too. This can't be a one way thing.
There I said it all. I said my heart. You need to make up your mind....no more lies, no more games. It is time that the truth was told.

Love, Hugs, and Kisses,
Neatha