Saturday, December 24, 2005

Dear Jamie,
I have no idea what to say anymore. I'm lost. I will never be able to tell you really how hurt I am because you could never truly understand.

This isn't how it's supposed to be. You're not supposed to have her there, your not supposed to stay under the same roof as her, your not supposed to hurt me like this or make me cry.

I want to fully believe you when you tell me you love me, but you told her you loved her. I heard you that night you were on the phone. How do you think that made me feel? How do you think it makes me feel when you go out with her? People call her your wife did you know that? Your family calls her your girlfriend. Your with me damn it. You are my fiancé!

Oh God this is just a fucking wonderful Christmas. I am not a drugie you know that at the moment I would take something that would stop the hurt, that would make me forget everything.

All I have done is cry. Not in front of people because that would be showing a weakness. No I cry when I am alone. And the sad thing is no one ever notices. Put on a smile and no one will even see how broken and hurt I am. Not you, not mom, not anyone.

It's funny two weeks she has been out there. She offers you what I didn't. Your child, freedom to be seen with her, the ability to stay out there. She solved the loneliness factor. But she can never love you or treat you the way I do. You know that too don't you?

I love you so much and that's why this hurts so much. I have tried to show you how much I love you but it isn't good enough. I am not good enough and I hate myself for it.

You say you want to marry me but do you really? I know I do, I would marry you at this very moment if I could. I keep telling myself that you don't want her. That if you wanted her that you wouldn't tell me that you wanted to marry me. That you wouldn't tell people you were going to marry me.

Mackie was right when she said it looks bad. I mean you hardly ever call, you never keep your word anymore when you say you will call me back or come over, she goes everywhere with you, and at Wal-Mart you got along so well with her in the store. If I hadn't known better I would have said you two were together.

Come Tuesday will you really leave? Will you come be with me like you say you want to? You wouldn't promise me and that makes me wonder if you really want to be with me. Will you stay with her? You know she isn't going to leave. Come Jan. 14th will you leave to go to Vegas to marry me or will something come up that you can't? Will you let her drain what's left of your money so you can't even pay for it? I guess time will only tell who truly holds your heart and I starting to wonder if it will truly be me.