Saturday, November 19, 2005

I hate it when Ducky and I fight, I hate it when he thinks I did something I didn't do, I hate hearing the cruel words come out of his mouth. I just want us to be okay. But right now I know we won't be okay. All because I have done stupid stuff in my past. I have learned so much in the last 8 months of being with him (Happy 8 months by the way) then I have in my whole life. The most important being always tell the truth no matter what because in the end more trouble is caused by a simple lie then the truth can ever cause...even if the truth hurts. I haven't been lieing to Ducky the for months now. I mean sometimes he asks me about something and at the time I don't remember saying it and he will call me up on it....and later I will remember it and I will tell him and he will say that I lied. But I really didn't mean too. I mean that too. I don't need to lie to him...if he don't believe what I say then I can't help it. Which brings me to our current fight....he says I text messaged him pretending to be Kendra. Why the hell would I do that? Can anyone tell me? I didn't.....I may be a lot of things but I am certainly not stupid....nor do I think he is. But once again he really doesn't believe me....and I realize that as of right now that there is nothing I can say or do that will make him believe otherwise. All in all I wish to God I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made in this relationship because I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I fear that I will lose him all because it will always be in his mind.

I guess I need to go to bed mom is bitching and I really want to call Ducky and beg him to love me...really love me....and to believe me. But I guess I will settle for telling him I love him. Because in the end that is all I can do is love him and try to prove to him that he can trust me again.