Thursday, September 1, 2005

Wow I guess depression does a lot to you. I mean I haven't been updating like I used to. I might update every two weeks if you all get lucky. That's pitiful. Anywayz next week will end all that. Next week on the 8th is my court date. Hopefully the last one. I will probably be gone upwards to 90 days however in the detention center. Which is going to suck but I guess I will have to deal with that you know? Anywayz here is a letter that I wrote to ducky.



8-20-05
Dearest Ducky,

I promised you a really long letter. I have no idea where I came up with that idea nor do I have any clue if I will be able to do it but I guess it is all worth a try. This is going to take a long time to write I see that right now. So when I start writing on a different day the date will be there.

I think I am going to start from the very beginning. Jamie did you realize when mom and I stopped you at Fill Zone and I rode with you that I ended up with a major crush on you? You were so nice and so, I don’t know. You were so awesome. Then you stayed that night at the house talking to Jennifer and me and I thought, “Wow this man is perfect.” You became Ducky that night. I never in my life expected that I would end up with you. I mean I was at the time 15 and you were 25. You had been around and I was just some little girl, or at least that is what I thought you would think.

So then the calling started, trying to get a hold of you was like trying to get a hold of a mouse that is lose in your house. It just wasn’t happening. But we managed it a few times, and finally we started talking on the internet. I realized then that I might have a chance to get you but it was you that was going to have to make the first move. Because I was scared that you would reject me and say that I was nothing but jailbait.

I met my family, you were supposed to go but somehow we got our signals crossed and you didn’t. So then Shane came down, and I finally managed to get him to meet you. He seems to want to take credit for us dating. I don’t know why though. We did start dating on Sunday March 20th. That was the best day of my life, really it was. At first when you wanted to talk to me I was like “yep he figured out I like him and now he is going to sit me down and tell me that we would never work.” Boy was I wrong. Oh my gosh, that first kiss Ducky was amazing. I never told you this but that whole “you’ll know it’s right cuz you’ll see fireworks” is true. I saw fireworks, I saw a new future, and I saw new dreams. Everything seemed so perfect and time seemed to stand still & I have to tell you this. The first time we held hands, everything seemed to become so hazy and leaving only us in focus. I knew you were the only one I wanted to hold on to for the rest of my life. I felt like laughing and crying because I was happy yet scared to lose it all at the same time.

We have been together now for 5 months, and I can see myself staying with you for many, many, many years to come. Through our thunderstorms, we have stayed rooted and emerged stronger as we see a rainbow as the rain & clouds clear. We’ve fought, - over both huge and tiny issues. We've made each other mad, threw the meanest & most sarcastic remarks at one another just for the heck of it.

For the record for every time I have made you mad, I am sorry. I just hope there's still space for you to trust like you first did. Will you shake your head no as your reading this part? I'm sorry, I caused you pain and hurt you. That was never something I meant to do. I do love you, and I do want to spend my life with you if you will let me. Will you think about the moments that we've shared in the past five months? The good do out weigh the bad

I love to see you happy. I love it when you joke around with me and talk to me. Even if you’re sad and depressed I am happy that you allow me to be your shoulder to cry on. It makes me feel blessed to know that I am someone you can come to. I love you, and even though I ask you when you’re mad at me, I know you love me too.

It's unbelievable how much we've managed to write, and how far we've traveled and grown in the process of being together and looking back at our undeveloped story, I can only smile and wipe my tears away for there are so many good memories to be happy for. If I were to write our story on paper it would turn into a best selling series. Our story my love, has only just begun.

You know I've always only loved you for who you are, knowing how you are, or might be and it's the way you make me laugh when I don't even want to smile that makes me love you the way I do. You've redefined many things; family, friendship, and most of all - love. You helped me realize that my dreams are always within reach as long as you work for them.

I knocked on your heart's door, telling it to let me prove my love for you and it listened. My love for you took off the mask I once feared I could not live without, and now I know that I never needed to be anything but myself.

This love is magic, and in the days your not with me I miss you in every way, my heart aches for you. But I know, I'll never be without you, the moments that we share, will last me till the end and my sweet Ducky, the next time I tell you I love you, smile and nod because you know I will never love someone the way that I love you. Because in the days your not with me, the stars that shined and aligned for us, and painted the sky for us, burn out until you are once again with me and then they shine just as bright as they did the first time.

We've been together for 153 days as of today. In just 153 days, you've become the only person I trust most, confide the most in, spend the most time with, and also the man I'm head over heels in love with. You've become the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life, the person that I admire and respect. You've become my motivation for doing things I hate/dread, and you're the reason I get up in the morning, and more than often, the reason I stay up and can't fall asleep. You're the only person I've got who can stay with me on the phone for 5 hours without actually feeling bored.

You have told me many times that I deserved better then you. I don’t want better. I want you. I want the man that I know you are. You say I don’t know you really, well be that as it may I know what you let me know. The most important lesson I have learned is that I need to plan around your little girl. Because the first week after she goes home is the week that you will most of the time be in the mood do things. The week after that is pretty much your “I am depressed” week and you will not do anything. Then of course don’t plan anything for the week or two that you have her because you can’t go anywhere with me and take her along unless of course your mom goes with you.

Ducky please don’t think I am saying these things to be mean to you because I am not. I never ever mean to be mean to you because you are my life. When your happy, I’m happy. When your sad, I’m sad. I love you. Simple as that. There is no hype to it, there is no sugar coated anything. I love you for what you are, when your pissed off and cussing, when you are depressed and crying, when you are happy and smiling. I love all of you.

You have no idea how much I miss you. And you have no idea how wonderful you are. And you have no idea how incredibly important you are to me. As many times as I tell you, I don't think you can comprehend exactly how amazing you are. And as many times as I tell you, I don't think it's enough, nor do I think it will ever be enough.

Maybe this isn’t going to be the 25 page letter that I planned for it to be. But that’s okay. There isn’t much to write about.