Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Dearest Ducky,
In the case that you are reading this letter then I am back in the detention center. Please have mother give you the stuff I got you for our anniversary if I am in deed in here for 3 months. God you don’t even begin to know what is going through my mind.
Ducky I love you so much more then I currently think you do me. That’s bad to say but it’s the truth. You should have been by my side last night. It wasn’t just some silly little game like you might think it was. I needed you last night.
The way I always thought things worked in a relationship was that if one of the parties needed the other then that person would be there. Was all my thoughts of a relationship a fairytale? You were there when mother got put in the psych ward, and when my granny died. But right now I am more mentally unstable then I have ever been in my whole life and all I wanted was you to take me in your arms and hold me and make everything all better.
Your dear father made matters worse for me. I hope you know by now that he told me never to set foot back on Houston, never to call out there to their house, to move the car, and that he was going to Brandon Miller to tell him that we had been harassing them. That’s wonderful isn’t it? You know how you always said there was probably someone behind all this pushing it. I’m sorry but I think it is your father. Why didn’t you just tell me I was right when I asked you if it was my fault that Kirby was keeping your baby from you? One more thing on my list of things that I can blame myself for.
I honestly don’t think I am going to come out of the detention center the same person I was. This is killing me and there is no way to stop it now. It’s done. They say that personality is born out of pain and that it is the fire shut up in the flint. I guess I am going to have one hell of personality aren’t I? This is killing my spirit and even my very soul feels crushed.
You say that you will be there when I get out. I hope there is truth in those words. Right now that is the only solace that I have. Ducky right now you hold in your hands my whole heart. You alone have the ability to crush and break it into a trillion pieces. You alone have the ability to take that last part left of my spirit and break it. You are the only thing holding me together. The question is will you stand by me as I would you if I was in your position.
You know what I told Joey the difference in love and infactuation was? Time. Time will show the difference, with infatuation you will lose interest, the small things will annoy you more, casual conversation will be harder to come by. With love your interest will only grow, the small things that annoy you, you'll find you can't live without and the casual conversations you have will grow and become a big part of your life. The difference between love and infatuation is love is when you value someone’s feelings and happiness more than your own, infatuation is like when you become attracted to someone before knowing their thoughts and feelings. So tell me Ducky is what you feel for me love or infatuation because I know what I feel for you is love.
I wish I knew what happens from here. There is so much that I desperately want to tell you but I can not find the words. I just don’t understand why this is happening to me. Really, what did I do to deserve all this?
I hope that when I finally get out that we can pick everything back up. I hope that we can finally be able to live a life together. But there is one huge thing I see right now that is going to stand in our way and that is your father. I don’t see your mom doing much she seems to tolerate me. Your father seems to have a huge hate of you (basicly from his own mouth) and me both. .
Jamie please be safe and don’t do anything stupid. I love you. Please watch over my mom. I would die if something happened to either one of you. Please keep your word a be there for me when I get out. Remember you promised that you would stay with me and marry me.

My whole heart belongs to you,
Your Neatha