Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Lifetime movie? My AncestryDNA journey

When I was little I used to watch those lifetime movies. Being home schooled meant I got to watch a lot of TV but there was never anything good on during the week besides talk shoes, reality shows, soap operas, and lifetime movies. Now looking back I find myself comparing the recent events in my life to that.  

Most of my readers know my adoptive parents (had me since I was 4 days old) were killed when my oldest daughter was 4 months old, my biological mom (met whenever I was 16 years old) died 2 years later of an overdose and then who my bio mom had told me was my dad (met when I was 21) for 10 years passed away the following year. It's been rather stressful and lonely even though I have my kids.  I never questioned my bio mom as to if she knew for sure that was my dad because she was so adamant that my brother and I had the same dad. I guess in hindsight that was my own folly.  

So fast forward to 2018 when everyone is taking these ancestry dna tests to find out where they are from. I couldn't help get excited because I was curious as to what I was made up of especially since I had tracked my bio moms tree back to Vikings like the Rollo the First Duke of Normandy who was a Viking. I thought it was pretty neat so after a tough decision between Ancestry and National Geographic's test I ended up taking the Ancestry DNA test because it was on sale.  

I got the kit, spit in the tube and mailed the results in and waited. It said at least 6 weeks. I was excited that it ended up taking about 4 weeks instead I got my results at like 12am and promptly checked my origins. No major surprises there in terms of locations (side note: funny Ancestry doesn't test for eskimo/inuit blood so when I ran the raw DNA through My Heritage for free it came back with that lil surprise even though it’s the least amount in my blood I think I was most excited about that .09%) then I opened the relative finder......and stared. The names I was seeing was definitely not any kin to the people I was thinking was my family. Now about this time I was cussing my bio mothers name....had she been alive she would not have liked that phone call from me at all. I got lucky one of my matches was my second cousin and had about 5 generations worth of family tree so I was able to identify who my great-grandparents were and so from there I created the family tree I went as far back as possible and then started messaging anyone with the last name I was looking for until I ran into a cousin who unlocked the door I needed. She told me of a family that I had not looked at because they did not show up as being in Cincinnati. Turns out they were.  
I hit this man wife up as well as him praying that it would not cause any drama. She answered the messages first. Now I can only imagine what she thought reading my messages because I didn't leave anything out cuz I wasn't sure if they would hit me up but I knew that the story was insane so once I saw she read my messages I quickly sent an old pic of my mom, as well as the dna results that I had and the tree I was working on. She talked to me but when I asked specifically about the names one of which was her husband she said she didn't know them. I was a little discouraged because per the obits and the other family I already knew that it was a lie so I thought that maybe this was the end of the line because the man had read my message and not responded. So I sent one more message thinking maybe it wasn't him I was looking for maybe it was his brother. He responded at that point quickly explaining that simply was not possible. He asked me a few questions about my mother and finally told me her knew her. 

I stared at my phone a good five minutes trying to think of what to say because I really didn't think I was going to find the right person. It was a very long shot because no one in my family knew who mom messed with because she was the black sheep of the family. So I finally asked him if he thought he could be my dad and he told me there was a chance because it was a crazy time back then which I also expected because I knew my moms history.  

All this happened almost 3 weeks ago and last Monday I mailed in my sample for the paternity test because this time I don't want anything left to chance. I need to see them results but I still find myself talking to this family daily. Turns out I have a potential half-sister and 4 step-sisters. Though it does seem like in comparison to them I may be the hippie wild child. But I am okay with that I am a free spirit and me not fitting in is what makes me unique.  

I am a little nervous bout the DNA place we used after I sent the sample in I looked at the reviews and it is definitely sketchy. Hopefully everything will work out but if not we may end up needing a second test. I suggest always checking reviews before buying anything online!  

Friday, June 1, 2018

You Cannot Co-Parent with Toxic Narcissistic People

This post has been a long time coming. Things have been seriously insane raising 4 kids but I make it work. Parenting with 4 men is a challenge sometimes they each have their own personalities and beliefs it can get to be very stressful. But none more stressful then my middle daughters father. I have tried to compromise since he decided he wanted to be part of her life. I have fought with him more times then not forgiving each of his serious incidents in the hopes he would be the dad my daughter deserved. But it only works whenever he feels like it and the moment that he gets angry he is quick to tell me he has his oldest two and his youngest children and that's all he needs. Mind you he has 5 kids. 

The final straw came with the accusation of his girl-friend and youngest daughters mother that we were cheating with each other and that my daughter was not my priority that he was. I seen red and every other firework color in between. My kids since my parents died have been my lifeline and my number one priority. I was angry and I still am. I told him at this point that I would not be texting him any further that if he wanted to see his daughter he could come get her with his gfs permission. He responded in the usual form out of pure spiteful anger and I realized in that moment that no matter how I push it my daughter was expendable to him. Now I contemplated posting all the screenshots because I keep everything where he is concerned because he is prone to outbursts like these and I do not want to be blamed in later years by my daughter for not allowing her dad to be a dad. But enough is enough. Some people in life are just toxic and sometimes it is our jobs as parents to protect our kids. Because how will you explain to a child that she is dark enough and doesn't have her dads last name so she isn't good enough?

I try to remember that it not good to speak negatively about my kids fathers in front of them. But my daughter knows him as "daddy" but she does not know him. When I do drop her off I have to walk away while she screams for me because my boyfriend and I have been the consistent people she has seen since she was born. However you cannot co-parent with a narcissistic person. One more time in case y'all missed that....YOU. CANNOT. CO-PARENT. WITH. A. NARCISSISTIC. PERSON. No matter how compressible or stead fast you are it is impossbile to be the bigger person because ultimately you will always fail because it is impossible to co-parent with a toxic person. Why? Because co-parenting requires both parents to share the intent and effort in raising their child. 

My solution to my issue was to do the one thing I swore I would never do to my kids fathers and that's put him on child support. You see if my child is replaceable and you don't wanna be part of their life that is a choice. I got three men that are far from perfect but they remain a steady consistent face in their kids lives. And to me that is more important then money. But if you ain't going to do jack shit, and your gonna have your girlfriend do your job of buying your child stuff and you are not going to consistently see your child then you might as well pay something for your child. 

What do I expect I expect my name to be drug through the mud starting with the rumors about me and mine to his circle and even my circle of friends. I am prepared for lies saying I am being selfish, insecure, that I won't let him see his daughter, that I am a whore. Hell he has gone so far to call me a bitch via video on social media so nothing can surprise me at this point and what I have learned from him is that I cannot worry about being that bad guy all I can do is continue to raise my children to the best of their abilities and just live my life. Because at the end of the day...happiness is the best revenge and I know in 10 years he still going to be doing the exact same thing he is now while I continue to grow.

Zaria's Birth Story

There has been a lot of things that changed since the last post. I had a IUD placed after Storms birth thought I would not be having kids for 10 years. Ha! That is the funniest thing ever because after having my IUD placement checked about a month later I had this dream I was pregnant and thought I would take a test no big deal just to relieve the fear. Yeah I was so wrong because it came back positive. 5 ultrasounds later they confirmed I was for sure pregnant and the IUD was no where in sight. I was horrified because I would have two kids under 2 at the same time. That was NOT part of the plan.

9 months later I went to my 9 check up as usual the doctor stripped my membranes and I came to work. Within the hour the contractions started and they weren't going away so I left and went home. My boyfriend was at work so I got my car to my oldest daughters father so he could get the kids from daycare and had a friend drive me to the hospital. My friend/photographer got there a little after me and so we walked and rocked on the ball. But this baby was not going anywhere. Her daddy got there and was with me but a man is never much help right cuz he put me in the situation. Haha. So a little after midnight they checked me and realized the only thing keeping me from having this baby was the fact that my water just would not break on its own so finally after 11.5 hours of labor that really wasn't that bad they broke my labor and everything got into motion and a couple minutes after midnight Zaria made her debut on Jan 5, 2018 she was about a week early because she was supposed to be born close to her dad's bday which was Jan 11th.

We came home to a house full of flu all the kids had it. But we made it through no sickness. She is now 4 months old. She babbles, she has a severe hanger (hungry + angry) problem and she is turning over. She has been able to hold her head up since she was born. She is my Ria Baby!